Never Said Read Free Page A

wide-eyed when he helped me out, holding hands?
    I felt sure we’d get caught.
    And I didn’t care.
    Now, I can’t quite breathe, remembering.
    I touch the glass, feel tears rise again
    again
    again.
    I love him. I still love him.

sarah
    I climb back into bed.
    Force myself to stop thinking of anything. Of everything.
    Nothing outside my home should matter. Not right now.
    I think of last night. My mother. My sister. Their fight in the hall with words just above whispers.
    Can I see both sides? The question of both, yes.
    Like no answers for Annie’s weight gain? Sometimes Mom is just dumb. It’s kind of funny. Not funny ha-ha, either, that our mother is willing to be blind. All the weird crap, and Mom thinks the idea of a diet will change things.
    Annie eats. Simple as that.
    I swallow. What more drives my sister?
    I asked her why she had stopped exercising, in the beginning when Mom was freaking out over ten pounds, and Annie shrugged. “I’m cool,” she said. Like she could care less. Then she closed her mouth to me.
    There are answers for my issues, however. Mom made sure to find those.
    When I wouldn’t go places unless forced, refused to give talks in class, when I didn’t make friends but stayed safe with books. When I threw up from fear, couldn’t leave my room, and wouldn’t come down for dinner sometimes, Mom took me to the doctor.
    He did check my ears. My eyes. Listened to my heart. And listened to Mom.
    I couldn’t answer his questions. It seemed a hand clasped my throat the whole time we were in the office.
    â€œA case of social anxiety,” Dr. McArthur had said. He looked at me over the top of his glasses. Patted my knee. Smiled a real smile.
    â€œSo she needs to do more?” Mom said. “Put herself out there? Work through it? I used to be shy.”
    Dr. McArthur rested against a counter that held a jar of extra-long cotton swabs. He kept watching me. All over the walls were Where the Wild Things Are pictures. Taken straight from the book and blown up big. If I could have snuck to that place where Max was, I would have.
    â€œI think she’ll find more success if she practices deep breathing. Find things to help her relax. What do you say to meditation, Sarah?”
    I’d pulled one of my fingernails into the quick and now it bled. I ducked my head.
    â€œIt’s okay, Sarah. We’ll help you,” Dr. McArthur said, and he’d handed Mom pamphlets to look over and gave her a list of other doctors for me to see.
    I went to a therapist for a while. Did deep breathing. Got a prescription for Xanax for when things get really bad.
    But the truth is that it’s still hard. Still. Now.
    Every day, I have to make myself do things that other people think are normal. Like going to school. Even years later, after so many doctors. I’m still afraid people are watching me. I’m afraid I’ll do something to embarrass myself. I’m scared of being alone — almost as much as I am of being with others.
    I don’t want to be noticed for anything.
    So I stay in my head.
    The only time I felt good, happy, and whole was with Garret.

annie
    I had every guy I ever wanted
no matter who he was with,
no matter if I knew his girlfriend,
no matter if I really wanted him
or not.
    And
I watch my sister
(she seems so little
so not there
too thin)
come down the stairs
in the mornings.
    She’s been watching him.
I want to tell her not to.
To look away.
Let him go.
But Sarah can’t seem to.

sarah
    D riving in with me?” Annie asks. She doesn’t look up from the over-medium eggs, bacon, and hash browns. With care, she piles a mixed bite on buttered toast and eats like nothing in the world tastes better.
    How does she know I’m here without looking? Does she sense me near? Does she feel the air in the room change? Hear my heartbeat?
    Doctors say some twins can do that — sense the other. I’ve even heard of