Neighbours Read Free

beautiful Australian singer with a very famous bottom. Valla had just one small bag of her blood, which he drank one drop at a time and only on very special occasions. To cover up the fact that he was taking more blood out of the blood-bank than people were putting in, he replaced it with fake blood made out of tomato sauce, frog’s spit and a rare plant root from Tristan da Cuhna. Most of the time this worked fine and patients receiving Valla’s fake blood hardly ever turned hyperactive or dropped dead.

    Monday morning, 8.30 am
    Peace had descended briefly on the house. The alarm snake, having recovered from the headache it always got after biting Valla, slithered back into the parents’ bedroom to wake up Nerlin, who had just come to the best bit of his dream. 7
    â€˜Morning, handsome,’ said Mordonna as her husband stumbled into the kitchen. ‘How are we feeling today? Good night’s sleep?’
    â€˜Mmmm,’ Nerlin mumbled. ‘My mouth tastes like a very old washing machine full of dirty socks.’
    â€˜That’s nice, dear. Want some coffee?’
    â€˜In a minute. I’m still enjoying the socks.’
    â€˜Good dreams?’
    â€˜Oh yes,’ said Nerlin. ‘My favourite.’
    â€˜Oh, the one with the, err …?’
    â€˜Yes.’
    â€˜And the big pink …?’
    â€˜That’s the one,’ said Nerlin. ‘I just love that dream and, you know, it never gets boring.’
    â€˜Well, it wouldn’t, would it?’ said Mordonna. ‘Was I wearing the shiny thing?’
    â€˜Absolutely. Think I better have that coffee now.’
    The peace didn’t last long. A few minutes later the thump, thump, thump of disco music mixed with shouting and swearing drifted over from the house next door. Then the neighbours’ dog started barking, a big thundering bark that made the cups rattle.
    You know how when everything seems perfect and you think life just couldn’t get any better, something always spoils it? This was the something that did that to the Floods.
    The neighbours from hell – the Dents.
    â€˜Mmm, not even nine o’clock. They’re starting early today,’ said Mordonna, getting up from her chair.
    â€˜Yes,’ Nerlin agreed. ‘We’ll have to do something about it. It’s really getting on my nerves.’
    â€˜No point in phoning the police. They never do anything.’
    â€˜No, no, we’ll sort it out ourselves.’
    â€˜Well, I’m off to do the housework,’ said Mordonna. ‘See that the spiders are working properly.’
    â€˜Yes, I’ll do the mould and then do the pets. I suppose it’s pointless me asking if the kids fed them?’
    â€˜As if.’
    With the Dents’ noise echoing through the house, Mordonna went from room to room checking for cobwebs. Where there weren’t any, she left fresh spiders with detailed weaving patterns and, to encourage them, she put a few juicy bluebottles in with them.
    Nerlin went down into the cellars to check the damp and spray the walls with a hose to make sure the mould stayed nice and healthy. Down on the third level, he could still hear the Dents – a muffled blur of bangs and crashes. Then he fed the cellar pets: the night eels, the giant hipposlugs and Doris, the seven-hundred-year-old blind dodo. Of course, like most families, the pets belonged to the children, who always forgot to look after them, so their parents hadto. Cleaning out the litter tray of a seven-hundred-year-old blind dodo was not a job for the faint-hearted or anyone with a good sense of smell. By the time Nerlin had staggered outside and tipped the contents over the vegie garden he felt pretty faint and had to sit on Mordonna’s mother’s grave and breathe deeply for a few minutes. 8
    â€˜Morning, mother-in-law. How are the maggots wriggling?’ he asked, and the mound of earth beneath him shivered in reply as Queen