time I got to the bottom of it, I realized I hadnât taken in a single word. In the end I knew I had to do something, so I jumped up.
âWhatâs up, Bry?â asked Nicole, squinting at me and trying to shield her eyes from the sun.
âIâm going for a walk.â
âYouâre not going in the direction of Forest Ash, by any chance, are you?â asked Izzy, smiling at me pleadingly.
âWant me to get something for you, Iz?â
âYes please, my ballet magazine. Itâs on my bed.â
I didnât go straight to Forest Ash, because Iâd decided to see if I could find Mr. Monk â even though he hardly ever seems to be around at weekends. It would be such a relief if he could somehow clear up the mystery. I knew Mrs. Pridham had gone away for the weekend, so I hadnât been able to talk to her, and I wasnât sure where to start looking for Mr. Monk.
In the end, I just wandered around, keeping my eyes open and hoping for the best. Iâve always enjoyed walking. It kind of helps me sort out the muddled mass of thoughts going on in my head. My friends say Iâm the complete opposite of a chatterbox and that I never waste words, and I suppose thatâs true. Itâs because Iâm so used to keeping my thoughts inside my head.
I think it started seven years ago, just after my mum died. I was only five, so my memory of that time is pretty muddled. I donât remember a point when Mum suddenly wasnât there. I just remember being surrounded by people all the time, and having tea parties and picnics and playing games and going to the shops. Everyone must have tried so hard to look after me. Iâve got one clear memory of playing in a room full of brightly coloured toys, spongy mats and squidgy tunnels and slides, and having such fun, and then sitting down with an enormous cake in front of me, while kind, smiling people talked to me. That was the only thing that spoiled the day for me â all the talking. I preferred having conversations inside my head. On my own. It was easier.
Now Iâm older I realize that people were probably just trying to take my mind off the sadness of what had happened. But I must have been too young to take it in because, to tell the truth, I really canât remember feeling sad. I donât even have any recollection of Dad crying, and sometimes now I think how immensely brave and strong he must have been to shield me from his grief.
But itâs odd how, when youâre so young, everything gets mixed up and distorted, because the thing I can remember feeling sad about when I was little is our lovely grey cat, Lana, dying. I can clearly recall Dad burying her in our garden, then holding my hand tight as I whispered, âBye bye, lovely Lanaâ over and over again, with a sadness that felt like a stone sitting in my stomach.
Apparently Lana died just after Mum. Dad was upset too, as heâd had Lana ever since heâd known Mum, long before theyâd got married or had me. Theyâd got her from a rescue centre when she was already quite elderly for a cat. So she just died naturally, of old age. Itâs strange, but every so often I get a really strong memory of sitting beside Mum on the sofa watching TV, leaning right into her, my head resting against her shoulder, while Lana sat on her lap very still, like a lovely, floppy old cushion. But I try not to dwell on that too much as it makes me so sad.
I clearly remember asking Dad if we could have another cat, and him saying, âWeâll see. One day.â But even though Iâve asked him loads of times since, heâs always refused. I so wish heâd change his mind, because thereâs nothing Iâd like more than to have a cat of my very own. In a strange way I think it might stop me feeling so sad when I think back to the Lana days.
I realized Iâd drifted off in my head again â what was I supposed to be doing? Oh yes,
Captain Frederick Marryat