My Friend Leonard Read Free Page B

inhaling as much as I can as fast as I can. In some of the dreams I have guns and I’m playing with the guns and I am debating whether I am going to shoot myself. I always decide that I am. In some of the dreams I am being chased by people who want to kill me. I never know who they are, all I know is that they want to kill me and they always succeed. In some of the dreams I keep drinking and smoking until I am so drunk and so high so goddamn fucked-up that my body just stops. I know that it is stopping and I know that I am dying I don’t care. I reach for the pipe and I reach for the bottle. My body is shutting down rather than suffer the continued consequences of my actions and I don’t care. I never have good dreams or happy dreams or dreams in which life is good. I have no memories of good dreams or happy dreams or dreams in which life is good.
    When I don’t sleep, I lie on my bed and I close my eyes. I think about Lilly. I think about where she is and what she’s doing. One of therequirements for her residency at the halfway house is that she have a job. She works the nightshift doing laundry at the hospital where her Grandmother is dying. She washes dirty sheets and dirty towels, used gowns and stained scrubs. On her breaks, she goes to her Grandmother’s room. Her Grandmother has bone cancer, and it has spread throughout her entire body. She can’t move without pain and she hasn’t left her bed in two months. Her doctor has said that she will be lucky to live for another month. Lilly tells me she’s on a morphine drip and she’s incoherent and she doesn’t know Lilly’s name anymore and she doesn’t remember anything about her life. Her mind has been consumed by her cancer as much as her body has been consumed by her cancer. It has overwhelmed her and there is nothing left. Just a shell of pain and morphine. Just a shell of what was once a life.
    Lilly sits by her side and holds her hand and talks to her. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t understand anything, Lilly sits and holds her hand and talks with her anyway. She tells her about the halfway house she hopes that it’s working she can’t wait to get out. She tells her about the job it isn’t so bad she’s certainly done worse. She tells her about me she misses me and she wishes I were there, she hopes I still love her. She tells her about the hope for a future with me and without drugs and with a sense of freedom and a sense of security. She tells her Grandmother about her fears. About the loneliness she’s been alone forever she doesn’t want to be alone anymore. About a return to her old life she would rather die than sleep with men for money. About me she’s scared that we won’t survive in the world away from institutions she’s scared I’m going to leave her like everyone else in her life has always left her. About what life will be like when her Grandmother dies. She’s scared because her Grandmother is the only person Lilly trusts and the only person that she is secure with and she can’t imagine living without her. Sometimes Lilly can’t talk anymore and she sits with her Grandmother and she holds her hand and she cries. She’s scared and she can’t imagine living without her. She cries.
    I am leaving here in three days. I will have served my time, paid my debt to society. As I lie here in bed listening to the sound of my own breathing as I lie here fighting off dreams and drifting through the deepest night, I think about what I am going to do when the steel-door slams shut behind me. I am going to Chicago. I am going to Lilly. I love her and I want to bewith her. I want to be with her now and tomorrow and every day for the rest of my life. I want to sit with her, talk to her, look at her, listen to her voice, laugh with her, cry with her. I want to walk with her and hold her hand and put my arms around her and have her put her arms