Murdering Americans Read Free Page B

everything went brilliantly. You looked gorgeous, Ellis spoke with unaccustomed wit and your dad spoke graciously. True, we were not the only people present to blench when in Jack’s entertaining speech she described you as her favourite bit of black pudding, but your merry laughter dissolved the tension. Anyway, if you ask Jack Troutbeck to be your Matron of Honour, you have it coming. After the speech Rachel briefly lost her nerve and wondered if we could cancel her appearance in that capacity at our own matrimonials.
    We thought the Pooley hospitality, as one might expect, was lavish without being vulgar and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves hugely. I bet we can look forward to a fine spread in Country Life which will make you Top Totty, the Toast of the Shires, which will be a rare double in conjunction with being the newest holder of the TV title of Thinking Man’s Crumpet.
    That’s enough racism and sexism for now.
    Our agony continues, but now that there are only ten days or so to go Rachel has ceased kvetching . She’s made a crucial psychological shift by deciding that she should see the wedding as her mother’s big day rather than her own, so she’s now thrown herself into trying to make it perfect for her and they haven’t had a row for ages.
    Jack and I didn’t have much chance to talk at your wedding, but she’s been in touch since, has told me a bit about Indiana, which she assures me Rachel and I would enjoy, but she hasn’t brought out the heavy weaponry as yet, so a firm ‘Forget it’ has so far been all that was required. I did point out that it was her solemn duty to stay in Cambridge while we’re away, since she’d undertaken to look after Plutarch and no one else in the whole world would take on the job, but she insists she’s found a suitable carer, that anyway Plutarch is such an extinct volcano these days that St. Martha’s won’t know she’s there and that if she’s got any grievances, you’ll be available as the London court of appeal. Hmmmmmn!
    We hope you’re both having a wonderful time and look forward very much to seeing you next week. I am afraid it’ll have to be rather brief, since D-Day approaches and we will be in a frenzy of packing and parent-soothing.
    Must schlep off now and get on with things.
    Much love to you both from us both,
    Shalom, Mazel Tov, and all that,
    Robert
    From: Mary Lou Denslow
    To: Robert Amiss
    Sent: Fri 17/03/2006 18.05
    Subject: Two Weddings and a near funeral not to speak of Jack
    Thanks for the news, Robert. Sorry to have been late getting back to you, but we’ve been very busy doing important things like looking at pictures and walking in the sun and having lunch and the Internet cafes usually heave with off-putting lines of backpackers.
    Your speech was really funny and you were a fabulous MC and looked imperturbable, which is the main thing, which made us feel relaxed about disappearing relatively early and leaving our two families and their entourages to it. We’ve called our respective parents who seem very happy with everything and you’ll be pleased to know that Ellis reports Great Aunt Lavender’s injury as minor and her upper lip as stiff. Now if this had been a wedding back home, she’d have sued Jack, Uncle Lenny, Ellis’s dad, and the band. Maybe even the manufacturers of the walker.
    After a few days in London, which they thoroughly enjoyed, the entire Denslow contingent is now back in the old homestead. They still haven’t got over the discovery that Ellis’s ancestors have had that stately pile for more than three hundred years and, they are, of course, disappointed that we won’t end up living there. But my family are good people, and though they think primogeniture is unfair, they would not want Piers to die for the crime of being the elder son, copping the family home and pretty well everything else and stopping me from being a Lady. They’ve developed a taste for titles, though, which they’re beginning to