Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates Read Free Page A

I’d come back to 254 new responses from 508 babes (they applied in pairs, it’s simple babe math). What’s more is we had responses from the press—reporters, bloggers, journalists, and even this complete bitch from our hometown newspaper, the Times Union ! Her name is Kristy Barlette for the record.
    For at least the first few days, we replied to every single email. Some were babes, some were not-so-babes, some were old ladies, some were dudes, some were dudes saying they wish they’d thought of this. Gals submitted pictures, PowerPoints, videos, blogs, even some nudie shots! Soon ABC and NBC were competing to do stories on us. Naturally, we pitted them against each other to get the most bang for our buck. It worked. It became a national story. In a matter of days, we went from typing on our iPhones while taking a dump to accepting invitations to nationally televised interviews. What the fuck is the matter with you, America?
    Our first stop was with NBC on the Today show. Some folks from NBC’s Dateline division were working on a story about us for a show that was set to air later that summer. Guess who the host was? Chris Hansen from To Catch a Predator . Ha! That guy certainly loves his perverts. What a perfect fit! The entire NBC special on us eventually ended up falling through. After a few weeks of Mike and me pushing off the corny narrative NBC was trying to create (so much for “news”), we gave Kim the Dateline producer a nervous breakdown. She said we drank too much and weren’t “fit for the camera” and “take this seriously” and “You have to wear shirts.” We got some mileage out of it before it fell apart. To push the story’s development further, Kim got us booked on Today, and for the Monday morning after the Oscars, no less. The Today show is composed of 80 percent fluff, 15 percent news, and 5 percent Carson Daly somehow still sticking around. That means the day after the Oscars is one of their most-viewed broadcasts of the year. There would be a lot of eyeballs on us, Kim said. We should make sure to be ourselves. You got it, Kim! I distinctly remember the exact conversation Mike and I had the night before. We weren’t going to try to be funny, we weren’t going to bend to producers trying to make a good story, we weren’t going to say what we were supposed to say or put any effort into coming off as likable. Instead, we were going to act exactly as we had for years: drunk and confused as to why we were there.
    Our segment was slated for around 9:30 a.m. that Monday, so Kim arranged for a car to come scoop us up at 7 a.m. She really stressed that she would prefer us not to drink the night before, fearing we’d sleep in and look like shit. No problem, Kim. We’ll just get up at 4:30 a.m. to start drinking instead. I don’t care who you are, you don’t go on the Today show sober.
    At the time, I was really into making French pressed coffee. I was fucking around with these mint coffee beans that were an absolute delight. You know what makes a big cup of mint iced coffee even better? When 50 percent of it is bourbon, that’s what. It was 4:45 a.m. on a Monday morning, and Mike and I and Frank the bulldog were blasting my only Pandora station at the time—“Summer Hits of the 90s”—while throwing back spiked iced coffees at an alarming rate. By the time our car arrived, we were pretty tuned up. We’d done at least two hundred push-ups each, changed our outfits nearly as many times, and were ready to roll. The fun part about drinking this way is that the alcohol has been amplified by at least seven cups of coffee, so your body is really partying. Spiked ice coffees are the Red Bull and Vodka of the morning.
    By the time we got to 30 Rock and found Denny, made it through security, ran into Michael Phelps, and sat down in the greenroom, we were legitimately wasted. You want to talk about a fucking