Malcolm and Juliet Read Free Page B

patience.
    ‘Not bad.’
    ‘Not bad Kev? She’s more than not bad. Admit it, you’d have her if you could.’
    ‘Yeah, suppose I would.’
    ‘But you can’t, that’s the thing. You know why?’
    ‘Not really.’
    ‘You don’t have it. You don’t have the X-factor. You see,’ Brian put a hand on Kevin’s shoulder, like a father explaining combustion engines to his son, ‘she’s what you’d call an A, whereas you Kev, let’s be honest, are more of a B. In this world Bs don’t get As. It’s not fair but hey, what is?’
    ‘What about my uncle?’ Kevin asked. ‘He’s an ugly little bastard but the woman he left my auntie for is definitely quite attractive.’
    ‘That’s because it isn’t just about looks is it? It’s like I say, the X-factor. He must have the X-factor. But you, well the closest you’re ever going to get to a girl like Charlotte is hearing a guy like me telling you what it was like. If you’re lucky she might have a friend who isn’t too ugly. Maybe I could set you up.’
    ‘Nah, she’s right.’
    If there was one thing that annoyed Brian it was lack of gratitude.
    ‘Look Kev, I’m just trying to help you aren’t I? Go on then, if you don’t believe me. You try with Charlotte first. Away you go. I’ll stand back, give you all the room you need. But I’m telling you, you won’t get anywhere.’
    ‘Oh, um.’
    ‘No, go on, I want to see you try. It’s the only way you’re going to learn.’
    So Kevin walked reluctantly over to Charlotte and Brian watched him go. Yeah, there was definitely something odd about that boy, something Brian couldn’t quite put his finger on.
    ‘Ah excuse me.’ Brian turned to be confronted by the unblinking eye of a small video camera. The voice came from behind it where a small figure was hunched over the tripod, making adjustments.
    ‘What?’
    ‘Brian isn’t it?’ The camera boy stood up. His face was vaguely familiar.
    ‘What of it?’
    ‘My name is Malcolm. I’m doing a piece of research, for the School Science Fair, and I was—’
    ‘Piss off. It’s the weekend man, get a life.’
    ‘It’s about sex,’ Malcolm continued, seemingly unperturbed.
    ‘What?’
    ‘Sex. People suggested you might be worth talking to.’
    ‘Did they?’ Brian said, interested now.
    ‘Yes, you seem to have quite a reputation.’
    That made sense to Brian. He definitely had his admirers.
    ‘Right, um, so what was it you wanted to know?’
    ‘Tell me about the first time you had sex. How was it?’
    ‘What, don’t you know?’
    ‘No. I haven’t had sex yet. I’m a virgin.’
    ‘You’re not some sort of pervert are you?’
    ‘Oh no. I’m a Scientist.’
    ‘Right. So first time you say? Hell, it was a while ago now.’
    ‘And how was it?’
    ‘Good. Yeah, quite good.’ There was a pause. ‘Is that all?’
    ‘Some detail would be good. What, when, how, that sort of thing.’
    ‘Oh, okay. Well it was at this party, up at Waikanae at a beach house. Me and ah, Shirley, I’ve changed her name, you know, to protect her identity, although she’s probably told everybody by now, I have. Anyway, me and Shirley went down to the beach, just to talk, and do some drinking and that. Then what happened was it got quite late and when we got back everyone else had crashed and the only place left was this big double bed.’
    Brian stopped. He considered he’d explained himself rather well, given it was something he hardly remembered. Only geek boy didn’t quite get it.
    ‘So what happened next?’
    ‘What do you think? I started feeling her up and stuff. I didn’t want her to think I was some sort of poofter did I?’
    ‘No, I suppose not. So was it easy then? I mean, how did you know what to do?’
    ‘Everybody knows.’
    ‘I’m not sure I would,’ Malcolm told him. ‘So, ah, if you don’t mind me asking, how was it? Say on a scale of one to ten, where five’s playing with yourself, you know, on a good day.’
    ‘Oh, ah eight I guess.