Lullaby Read Free Page A

what, something to do with economics. And
Dad liked to lecture. In his head, I think he saw it as a discussion. We didn’t mind.
He knew a lot of stuff, and it made us feel important, that he would want to explain
it to us. He got up, turned off the radio, called up his work and told them he wouldn’t
be coming in that day, because he had an infected toe. We told him that was worst
excuse we’d ever heard, and he replied that it was so bad they’d assume it was true.
He liked doing stuff like that, fake grand gestures. As if he saw himself as impulsive
and reckless, when really he worked each day as a food technologist, rode in on the
commuter line, paid his bills on time, slept with a hot-water bottle between his
feet seven months of the year, and waited for lightning.
    ‘Mum did the school call, told them something important had come up in the family.
Then we got five hours on the foundations of political economy. By the end, all we
wanted to do was get up and run around a field. But we didn’t, because there was
no way to do that without it making him sad. He wouldn’t say anything. He’d try to
hide it from us, the way a father should, but we always knew. One Christmas, Theo
and me got these amazing helicopter things, but Mum hadn’t realised you had to buy
batteries separately. That’s how my father looked when we failed to meet his hopes
for us, like they’d left out the batteries. Sorry, I don’t know why I told you that.’
    ‘He sounds like a great father,’ Maggie said.
    ‘No he doesn’t, but it’s nice of you to say it.’
    There was thick snot mixing with my tears. And talking about my parents was the easy
part. I’d had a while to get used to it.
    ‘And when they died, they were having a weekend away, is that right?’
    ‘They often had weekends away.’
    ‘Away from what?’
    ‘Us. It started when we were little, when our grandparents were still alive. Back
then, I think they did them to survive. And later they became like holidays.’
    ‘You don’t feel guilty?’
    ‘Why would I?’
    She was trying things out, seeing which wires were still connected.
    ‘Well, if they hadn’t been away that weekend—’
    ‘I didn’t cause the lightning. Guilt would be ridiculous.’
    ‘That’s a very adult response.’
    ‘Thank you.’

2
    When I was fourteen, I had a teacher who looked just like Maggie. For an elective.
I did codes, Theo chose cooking. The codes teacher was like Maggie. Not in the way
I look like Theo. If you analyse it, feature by feature, nothing matches up. But
considered as a whole, they’re the same person. They have the same feel about them.
I only had that teacher for three months, but she was my favourite. I had a sort
of crush on her.
    ‘Did the death of your parents make you and Theo closer, do you think?’
    ‘We were already close.’
    ‘That doesn’t answer the question.’
    ‘Have you heard of the Pauli exclusion principle?’
    I hoped she hadn’t. I hoped it was the sort of thing only people with mothers like
mine knew about.
    ‘If any two electrons are too close,’ Maggie said, ‘then the combined probability
of them being anywhere cancels out. It’s only through being apart that they can exist
at all.’
    ‘It’s why you and I don’t fall through the floor.’
    I was disappointed—I wouldn’t get to explain it to her.
    ‘Even though we’re mostly made up of empty spaces. Because there’s a limit on closeness,’
I said.
    ‘Do you believe in God?’ Maggie asked.
    ‘I think we’ve got more important things to talk about,’ I said.
    ‘More important than God?’
    ‘Yeah.’
    ‘I was wondering, when your parents died, if you didn’t blame yourself, perhaps you
blamed Him? Maybe it made you question His existence?’
    ‘No,’ I said. ‘I’ve never believed in that sort of a God.’
    There was a knock at the door. An old guy, older than my father would have been if
it hadn’t been for an electrical storm, waited at the end of his