Les Dawson's Cissie and Ada Read Free Page A

the hot water bottle.

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    HOLIDAYS

    A TRAVEL AGENCY. CISSIE AND ADA WALK IN. CISSIE NOTICES THAT THERE IS NOBODY AT THE COUNTER SO THEY SIT DOWN TO WAIT.

    CISSIE:
    There doesn't appear to be anyone here, Ada love.

    ADA:
    Perhaps they've gone on their holidays.

    CISSIE:
    Well while we're waiting it will give us the chance to decide where we want to go this year.

    ADA:
    Well anywhere as long as it isn't Greece, I didn't like that Rhodes place last year.

    CISSIE:
    I told you, you should have gone to Athens, you'd have liked it there, it's lovely, they have an acropolis there.

    ADA:
    They had one in Rhodes, I was never off it.

    CISSIE:
    Oh you're pig ignorant Ada, you really are. The Acropolis is an old ruin!

    ADA:
    Well this one had a crack in it and a loose board.

    CISSIE:
    I quite fancy Italy, myself.

    ADA:
    Me too, a coach tour would be nice.

    CISSIE:
    How about the Dolomites?

    ADA:
    Well if they start to play me up I can always sit on a rubber ring. I quite fancy Blackpool too, to tell you the truth.

    CISSIE:
    Oh I find it so uncouth, Blackpool.

    ADA:
    Yes, nice isn't it. Me and Bert had our honeymoon there, you know. It's the place where I finally became a woman - that first night at the Seaview guest house.

    CISSIE:
    And tell me Ada-girl talk here - when you went on your honeymoon, were you virgo intacta ?

    ADA:
    No, just bed and breakfast.

    CISSIE:
    I mean that prior to your honeymoon you and Bert hadn't done it?

    ADA:
    Cissie. I’ve never heard such filthy talk from you. Muck mucky muck muck.

    CISSIE:
    Nonsense Ada, it’s only human nature.

    ADA:
    I suppose so. Can you keep a secret, Cissie? Bert didn't know how to do it.

    CISSIE:
    Really? I must say I find that very hard to believe, knowing your Bert as I do.

    ADA:
    May God strike me dead, Cissie. He hadn't got a clue. My mother told me to lie back and think of England. I'd time to think of England, Scotland, Ireland, Algeria.....

    CISSIE:
    Oh you poor dear.

    ADA:
    And I did everything in my power to tempt him, everything in my power Cissie.

    CISSIE:
    Did you wear a sexy night-gown?

    ADA:
    Yes, one I got it from Silky Billy's on the market, off the bargain rail.

    CISSIE:
    Was it see-through?

    ADA:
    Oh yes. Yes you could see my vest and liberty bodice through it as plain as day. Anyway I went to the doctor to see if he could suggest anything and he told me to try taking Bert past the Tower a few times.

    CISSIE:
    Auto suggestion.

    ADA:
    No we drove past in a landau. And I walked him past it several times.

    CISSIE:
    And did he.... rise to the occasion, as it were?

    ADA:
    Well I'll put it this way, I think he must have been looking at the Central Pier, not the tower.

    CISSIE:
    Well I don't know about us going to Blackpool for your holiday I would have thought you would want to steer well clear the place after an experience like that.

    ADA:
    That's why I want to go, I'm hoping he'll leave me alone again.

    CISSIE:
    And where does Bert want to go?

    ADA:
    Well he did once mention that he'd always wanted to return to the place where he spent the war.

    CISSIE:
    What, the glasshouse at Colchester?

    ADA:
    No, I mean before he stole that tank. Normandy.

    CISSIE:
    Now that's not such a bad idea, because my Leonard would like that. He saw action at Normandy, you know. That was where he almost got the VC.

    ADA:
    Well that's the chance you take when you go with foreign women. The hussies!

    CISSIE:
    I think we'll settle for Normandy then. Now how shall we travel there, on the cross-channel ferry or shall we fly?

    ADA:
    Oh the ferry, because it cost us an extra thirty quid the only time me and Bert ever flew.

    CISSIE:
    Thirty pounds? Why was that?

    ADA:
    Well you know that little paper bag they give you?

    CISSIE:
    Yes.

    ADA:
    Well Bert asked the stewardess what it was for. And she told him it was to be sick in.

    CISSIE:
    So why did that cost you another thirty pounds?

    ADA:
    Well he had to drink three bottles of whisky