King of the Perverts Read Free Page A

astride some blond chick, plump with silicone and probably cocaine by the looks of her weathered face and dilated pupils. She’s screaming and feigning distress, and doing so quite poorly. I’m instantly embarrassed for both of them and start to sweat. This is really bad shit, even for low budget porn from a decade ago.
    The camera zooms in on Oh’Tool, who is pumping said blond chick from behind, and we see just how truly awful his makeup is. I guess it’s supposed to make him look like some kind of swamp creature, come up from a Louisiana bog to fuck all the backwoods whores who wile away their days running around in cutoff shorts, cooking meth, and sucking random dicks. But he looks more like a geek at a comic convention dressed as Green Lantern than he does a monster.
    The girl is giving it her best (read: worst) fake moan, and says in a screeching, abrasive attempt at a Southern accent, “Oh mah, you really are a monstah!”
    Yeah, it’s that bad.
    The camera tightens on Peter again and his upper lip curls in a snarl. “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, bitch.”
    With animal quickness, Peter bares white teeth encased in cheesy prop fangs, which look like they belong in a straight-to-VHS vampire flick from the ’80s rather than a swamp monster, and plunges into the babe’s neck.
    This time, the girl’s scream sounds real, just like the look of surprise on her face. We get a tight shot of both of them and it’s pretty clear Peter Oh’Tool is not faking it here – he’s really biting this chick on the neck. The shot pulls back again and then we see Peter really go to work – he wraps his arms around the girl’s chest, pinning her arms to her sides. At the same time, he kicks his legs out and in front of her thighs and, in an impressive show of balance and dexterity, flips over on his back. His ankles are on top of her thighs, clamping down, and his muscular forearms pinch the girl’s midsection, pushing her wobbling, gravity-defying tits up toward her face.
    The girl seriously looks scared for a second and begins to struggle, but she’s not going anywhere, and Peter Oh’Tool begins to thrust. Somehow, he’s managed to flip this girl over in one move and maintain their special connection, if you follow me. And now he’s hammering the hell out of her like a piston in an engine block. He’s moving so fast his dick becomes a blur. Her face changes from fear to ecstasy and it’s clear she’s still not acting. Peter Oh’Tool gnaws away at her neck, pounds away at her pussy and, within minutes, she begins to scream, no longer struggling like prey in the clutches of a predator. She writhes and undulates with Peter, bucking her hips in time with his, and comes hard and long. If she faked that orgasm, then she deserves an Oscar. Based on her previous display of acting, I can only deduce that it was real.
    I don’t realize I’m holding my breath until the video pauses and Peter Oh’Tool appears in front of the screen again like a weatherman in front of a map. Mongo reaches out and pushes my chin up and my teeth clunk together.
    Peter Oh’Tool smiles and says with a cocky, raised eyebrow, “This performance earned me my first ‘Fuck of the Year’ Woody at the AVNs. You can see why it’s called the alligator fuckhouse.”
    The film rewinds and Peter turns to the side to show the action again, pointing out several key elements to the technique.
    “First, it’s important not to give away your intentions. The key here is the element of surprise. When you bite her, try not to break the skin, but do it hard enough to scare the shit out of her. That sudden fear releases endorphins that will come in handy once you’ve flipped her over.”
    The video plays in slow motion as the on-screen Oh’Tool moves into position. “Notice how I wrap my arms around her and don’t let her move. You can’t have her squirming out of position if you want to make this happen. Lock that shit up tight. Then, when you’ve got