Infinite Jest Read Free Page B

closer to zero than we’re comfortable with, as against
     a secondary-school transcript from the institution where both your mother and her
     brother are administrators—’ reading directly out of the sheaf inside his arms’ ellipse—‘that
     this past year, yes, has fallen off a bit, but by the word I mean “fallen off” to
     outstanding from three previous years of frankly incredible.’
    ‘Off the charts.’
    ‘Most institutions do not even
have
grades of A with multiple pluses after it,’ says the Director of Composition, his
     expression impossible to interpret.
    ‘This kind of… how shall I put it… incongruity,’ Admissions says, his expression frank
     and concerned, ‘I’ve got to tell you sends up a red flag of potential concern during
     the admissions process.’
    ‘We thus invite you to explain the appearance of incongruity if not outright shenanigans.’
     Students has a tiny piping voice that’s absurd coming out of a face this big.
    ‘Surely by
incredible
you meant very very very impressive, as opposed to literally quote “incredible,”
     surely,’ says C.T., seeming to watch the coach at the window massaging the back of
     his neck. The huge window gives out on nothing more than dazzling sunlight and cracked
     earth with heat-shimmers over it.
    ‘Then there is before us the matter of not the required two but
nine
separate application essays, some of which of nearly monograph-length, each without
     exception being—’ different sheet—‘the adjective various evaluators used was quote
     “stellar”—’
    Dir. of Comp.: ‘I made in my assessment deliberate use of
lapidary
and
effete
.’
    ‘—but in areas and with titles, I’m sure you recall quite well, Hal: “Neoclassical
     Assumptions in Contemporary Prescriptive Grammar,” “The Implications of Post-Fourier
     Transformations for a Holographically Mimetic Cinema,” “The Emergence of Heroic Stasis
     in Broadcast Entertainment”—’
    ‘ “Montague Grammar and the Semantics of Physical Modality”?’
    ‘ “A Man Who Began to Suspect He Was Made of Glass”?’
    ‘ “Tertiary Symbolism in Justinian Erotica”?’
    Now showing broad expanses of recessed gum. ‘Suffice to say that there’s some frank
     and candid concern about the recipient of these unfortunate test scores, though perhaps
     explainable test scores, being these essays’ sole individual author.’
    ‘I’m not sure Hal’s sure just what’s being implied here,’ my uncle says. The Dean
     at center is fingering his lapels as he interprets distasteful computed data.
    ‘What the University is saying here is that from a strictly academic point of view
     there are admission problems that Hal needs to try to help us iron out. A matriculant’s
     first role at the University is and must be as a student. We couldn’t admit a student
     we have reason to suspect can’t cut the mustard, no matter how much of an asset he
     might be on the field.’
    ‘Dean Sawyer means the court, of course, Chuck,’ Athletic Affairs says, head severely
     cocked so he’s including the White person behind him in the address somehow. ‘Not
     to mention O.N.A.N.C.A.A. regulations and investigators always snuffling around for
     some sort of whiff of the smell of impropriety.’
    The varsity tennis coach looks at his own watch.
    ‘Assuming these board scores are accurate reflectors of true capacity in this case,’
     Academic Affairs says, his high voice serious and sotto, still looking at the file
     before him as if it were a plate of something bad, ‘I’ll tell you right now my opinion
     is it wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be fair to the other applicants. Wouldn’t be fair
     to the University community.’ He looks at me. ‘And it’d be especially unfair to Hal
     himself. Admitting a boy we see as simply an athletic asset would amount to just using
     that boy. We’re under myriad scrutiny to make sure we’re not using anybody. Your board
     results, son, indicate