In the Rearview Read Free Page B

hadn’t been listening. Embarrassment in getting caught was the only reason to be sorry. And she hadn’t been doing anything worth using as an excuse. So she kept her lips buttoned and tried to make it through the rest of class.
    ****
    She shuffled to her locker with a limited burst of enthusiasm, but it was only due to the understanding that the school day was over and she could go home to sit alone.
    â€œHi!”
    Meagan’s excitement immediately deflated as if a pin had pricked a hole into its thin and delicate structure.
    â€œDo you want to hang out this weekend?”
    Sarah, her longtime friend, bounced on her toes next to Meagan’s locker with a genuine smile that reached her eyes, adding a sparkle. Meagan didn’t know the last time her own smile had touched her eyes. Had it ever? She couldn’t remember anymore.
    She didn’t want to make plans with anyone, even Sarah. Every time she did, she would cancel them last minute. Just the thought of going out in public, even to do something as simple as shopping, exhausted Meagan before she had the chance to leave the house. Her stomach got queasy and her eyes felt puffy when she was supposed to be with others but needed to be alone. These reactions were happening more and more, which was why she was spending so much time in just her own company. And though no one had said anything yet, Meagan suspected a few of her close friends had begun to notice her continued absence.
    Or maybe they hadn’t. Maybe they didn’t care.
    It was possible no one ever cared.
    â€œUmm… yeah, I probably can.” Meagan agreed to it, with a noted lack of interest, so she would not have to face the criticism or disappointment on Sarah’s face if she declined. But Meagan would most likely cancel later, over instant message or on the phone, when she wasn’t looking directly at Sarah. It was always easier to be a disappointment when you didn’t have to see the look of it.
    â€œGreat! We haven’t hung out in… I don’t even know how long. Forever!”
    Sarah’s cheerful tone began to grate against Meagan’s nerves. She felt the sudden urge to get away before she said or did something she would regret. The abrupt anger startled her. Sarah had done nothing wrong. Meagan probably just needed to go home and nap.
    â€œOkay, well, call me. I gotta go.” Meagan spun around and headed to the bus that would take her to her comfortable world alone at home. There she could relax, and no one would care or notice her inability to care.

Stuck

    Thick and sticky
    Pulls me down
    Deep
    Heavy with baggage
    Bogged down
    And foggy
    Cannot come up for air
    Cannot get away
    Paralyzed with pain
    Stuck inside
    Trying to get out

Let Me In

    You don’t have to tell me
    But when you don’t it hurts
    And every time you lie to me
    You kill something inside
    I want to love you
    But when you don’t trust me
    I can’t be in your life
    And although I want to
    You have to begin to tell me
    More of what you feel

Close But No Cigar

    I’ve always been close
    Never chosen first
    Never always right
    Average is what I am
    Someone is always better
    And few are ever worse
    I’m always close
    But never close enough

 
    Dear Diary,
    I’m not exactly sure when I became depressed, but I’m sure now that I am. Though I understand the progression was slow and building, it feels anything but. It seems as if I've been thrown down, hard to the ground quickly by a bully, big and heavy, and now I’m being held there against my will.
    There is no end in sight.
    Little things seem to bother me a lot more than they used to, even more than the pencil incident. Everything takes on a huge flare for the dramatic. Wait, let me correct that. The upsetting takes on a flare for the dramatic. Bad is worse. But happy things are never very exciting, instead they’ve leveled out. A lot feels different.
    I take everything more