In a Glass Grimmly Read Free Page B

in vain to pretend he was at home, at the bottom of his loathed well. At least it was better than this, he thought.
    She approached him, and he shivered with fear. But her face had changed. It was softer. Maybe even sympathetic. Hope blossomed in his little chest.
    Gently, she reached down and took him under his belly. He shivered.
    She lifted him up, so he was near her face. He stared at her rose-lips, and into her cerulean eyes.
    And she kissed him.
    ----
    Right?
    That’s what happens now, doesn’t it?
    Of course not. What sense would that make?
    As anyone who’s read the Brothers Grimm would know, this is actually when she throws him against a wall with all of her might in an attempt to kill him.
    And only
then
, after the attempted
murder
, does he reveal himself as an enchanted prince. And then they get married. And live happily ever after.
    Which is clearly idiotic. Why would they live happily ever after if she’s just tried to kill him?
    And why would being smashed against a wall turn him back into a prince?
    And who said he was a prince in the first place?
    At this point, I ought to make something clear. There are three versions of this story:
    There is the kiddie version, where they kiss. Obviously false.
    There is the Grimm version, where she throws him against the wall, and then they get married. Which is, if you ask me, even more ridiculous than the kiddie version.
    And then there is the true version. What actually happened. Which is this:
    ----
    The princess took the frog by one leg, swung him around her head, and hurled him as hard as she could at the wall of her room. But as she swung him, she held on too tight, and his little leg came off.
    So the frog flew across the room and slammed into the wall. The princess found herself holding a single frog leg in her hand, screamed, and threw it out the window. Where it was eaten by a weasel.
    As you might have suspected, our poor frog did not regain the form of a prince, because he had never been a prince. He was a frog. A frog in love with a beautiful, cruel princess.
    Which means that being thrown against a wall hurts. In all sorts of ways.
    The frog lay crumpled in a heap at the base of the wall. He was bleeding from the place where his leg had been (for when you prick frogs, they do indeed bleed), while the princess stared at him with a disgusting air of satisfaction.
    With all the dignity he had left to him, the little frog hobbled out of her room, down the great stairs, and out into the night, trailing froggy blood after him as he went.
    The End
    ----
     
    Okay, Okay. I hear you.
    You’re saying, “That wasn’t very horrible!”
    Well, maybe it wasn’t very horrible for you. You’re not the one who had his heart broken, his leg torn off (and eaten by a weasel), and who got hurled against a stone wall.
    But you’re right. As far as fairy tales go, it wasn’t very horrible.
    Don’t worry.
    Things get worse.

CHAPTER TWO
    The Wonderful Mother

    O nce upon a time there was a little girl who had the most wonderful mother you could possibly imagine.
    Go ahead. Try to imagine the most wonderful mother you can.
    Have you?
    All right. Not good enough. Not even close.
    First of all, this little girl’s mother was a queen. Was the mother you were thinking of a queen? If not, she’s already not good enough. And we’ve barely begun.
    Second of all, the little girl’s mother was beautiful. I mean, really beautiful. Stunningly gorgeous. Her golden hair was as long and thick as you please, and hung all the way down to the curve of her back. She was tall, like a statue. And slender, like a willow wand. Her lips were rich and red like an unbloomed rose. And her eyes—well, her eyes—her eyes were a cerulean blue so clear and shining that you could stare into them for hours and never think to blink.
    Of course, this mother was also wonderful in a number of other ways.
    Her clothes, for example, were the absolute pinnacle of style. And her hair was just