Bible.”
“Well, you did, though!” you say, trying to catch your breath. The figure steps forward into the light, and you recognize her as the woman from earlier, in the store.
“Hey, what the heck,” you say. “What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be back here.”
“Pssh, I’m not supposed to be anywhere,” the woman says. “I need to talk to you, but we have to hurry. We have three minutes before mall security does a sweep of this area.”
She pulls back her hood and reveals the glossiest, sleekest bun you have ever seen in your life. Then she removes her sunglasses and looks at you, smiling. It’s Kim Kardashian. Kim Kardashian is standing in front of you, exuding pure radiance and perfection in the messy, dusty storeroom of the after-hours Best Buy.
You are confident you’re about to faint as she starts walking toward you.
“I’m Kim,” she says. “And I really need your help.”
SO: IF YOU EVER WONDERED what you would do if Kim Kardashian surprised you at work and said she needed your help, the answer, it turns out, is that you would just panic and freeze and not move or say anything because you do not really believe this is happening to you or that reality is even a thing anymore.
You’re just a normal person. You have a boring, uninterestinglife. You are irrelevant to everything. You’re a disappointment to everyone you’ve ever met, including yourself. You do not matter. But then Kim Kardashian is looking at you, and her eyes are like cinnamon with diamonds mixed in, and you have no response to anything.
“Uhhh, are you okay?” she asks.
You blink awake and try to force yourself to action. This is the most wanted criminal in the country. Should you be scared? You feel like you should be scared, but you’re not scared. You’re excited.
“No! I’m okay! You just surprised me. I wasn’t expecting to run into you here.”
Which is officially the world’s dumbest thing to say, because OF COURSE YOU WERE NOT EXPECTING TO RUN INTO KIM KARDASHIAN IN THE STOREROOM OF YOUR JOB AT THE BEST BUY AT THE MALL. Your brain is pleading with your mouth like Please shut up, you’re embarrassing us.
But Kim nods understandingly. She’s so gracious, so patient. “Kind of a long day, yeah? Is your boss always like that?”
You nod. “Kind of, yeah. Thank you for distracting him, by the way.”
“I was so annoyed! The way he was talking to you? I was seriously about to smack him over the head with my purse, like ‘Don’t be fucking rude,’ you know?”
“I appreciate it. He might still be yelling at me if you hadn’t intervened.”
“I wasn’t being totally selfless, if I’m honest,” Kim says. “I just came in for some stuff I need for my phones, but then I recognized you.”
There is no way you heard that correctly. “You recognized me?”
Kim nods. “You had a YouTube channel, right?”
You blink. “A long time ago,” you say. “I’m surprised anyone remembers.”
“You were so good!” Kim says enthusiastically. “You know so much about electronics and about hacking things . . . and decrypting files?”
You narrow your eyes at Kim. “I don’t think I did any episodes about decryption.”
“But you could have if you wanted to, right?”
You shrug. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
Kim tilts her head, and her eyes on you become slightly more intense. “Do you really not know? Or are you saying that because that’s how the patriarchy wants you to feel about your accomplishments?”
“What? What does the patriarchy have to do with anything?”
Kim exhales, shaking her head. “Listen, I’m sorry I’m in such a hurry, but I really need your help. There’s an encrypted file on this device. There was a link to it posted in a comment beneath my last selfie, and it’s important that I make sure it contains the information that I think it contains. Is there any way you could take a look at it and see what you find?”
She reaches out, and you
“Well, you did, though!” you say, trying to catch your breath. The figure steps forward into the light, and you recognize her as the woman from earlier, in the store.
“Hey, what the heck,” you say. “What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be back here.”
“Pssh, I’m not supposed to be anywhere,” the woman says. “I need to talk to you, but we have to hurry. We have three minutes before mall security does a sweep of this area.”
She pulls back her hood and reveals the glossiest, sleekest bun you have ever seen in your life. Then she removes her sunglasses and looks at you, smiling. It’s Kim Kardashian. Kim Kardashian is standing in front of you, exuding pure radiance and perfection in the messy, dusty storeroom of the after-hours Best Buy.
You are confident you’re about to faint as she starts walking toward you.
“I’m Kim,” she says. “And I really need your help.”
SO: IF YOU EVER WONDERED what you would do if Kim Kardashian surprised you at work and said she needed your help, the answer, it turns out, is that you would just panic and freeze and not move or say anything because you do not really believe this is happening to you or that reality is even a thing anymore.
You’re just a normal person. You have a boring, uninterestinglife. You are irrelevant to everything. You’re a disappointment to everyone you’ve ever met, including yourself. You do not matter. But then Kim Kardashian is looking at you, and her eyes are like cinnamon with diamonds mixed in, and you have no response to anything.
“Uhhh, are you okay?” she asks.
You blink awake and try to force yourself to action. This is the most wanted criminal in the country. Should you be scared? You feel like you should be scared, but you’re not scared. You’re excited.
“No! I’m okay! You just surprised me. I wasn’t expecting to run into you here.”
Which is officially the world’s dumbest thing to say, because OF COURSE YOU WERE NOT EXPECTING TO RUN INTO KIM KARDASHIAN IN THE STOREROOM OF YOUR JOB AT THE BEST BUY AT THE MALL. Your brain is pleading with your mouth like Please shut up, you’re embarrassing us.
But Kim nods understandingly. She’s so gracious, so patient. “Kind of a long day, yeah? Is your boss always like that?”
You nod. “Kind of, yeah. Thank you for distracting him, by the way.”
“I was so annoyed! The way he was talking to you? I was seriously about to smack him over the head with my purse, like ‘Don’t be fucking rude,’ you know?”
“I appreciate it. He might still be yelling at me if you hadn’t intervened.”
“I wasn’t being totally selfless, if I’m honest,” Kim says. “I just came in for some stuff I need for my phones, but then I recognized you.”
There is no way you heard that correctly. “You recognized me?”
Kim nods. “You had a YouTube channel, right?”
You blink. “A long time ago,” you say. “I’m surprised anyone remembers.”
“You were so good!” Kim says enthusiastically. “You know so much about electronics and about hacking things . . . and decrypting files?”
You narrow your eyes at Kim. “I don’t think I did any episodes about decryption.”
“But you could have if you wanted to, right?”
You shrug. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
Kim tilts her head, and her eyes on you become slightly more intense. “Do you really not know? Or are you saying that because that’s how the patriarchy wants you to feel about your accomplishments?”
“What? What does the patriarchy have to do with anything?”
Kim exhales, shaking her head. “Listen, I’m sorry I’m in such a hurry, but I really need your help. There’s an encrypted file on this device. There was a link to it posted in a comment beneath my last selfie, and it’s important that I make sure it contains the information that I think it contains. Is there any way you could take a look at it and see what you find?”
She reaches out, and you
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