IGMS Issue 50 Read Free Page A

decided to come by and practice with the choir.
    I don't know what Ferri feels as we sit on the hard wooden benches and listen to the choir and Nicolini--I'd never seen the barest of emotions cross Ferri's face--but I know what I feel. I am envious of Nicolini. I want his life. I want his acclaim. I want to know that I fit in somewhere. That I might actually live up to the potential Siface saw before I was cut.
    "Not all extraordinary voices come from extraordinary people," a voice behind me says.
    Ferri doesn't seem surprised that someone now sits behind us, but I jump. I turn to see a clergy member wearing the elaborate vestments of a cardinal.
    Cardinal Battista.
    "Good to see you again, Uccello," the man says, smiling at me. "Are you enjoying my hospitality?"
    I don't know how to respond. Ferri told me the cardinal didn't want to see me because castrati made him uneasy. But even though Ferri sits beside me she doesn't react to the cardinal or his words, instead staring at the choir.
    Before us, Nicolini's voice launches into a solo aria.
    "I didn't . . ." I stammer. "I mean . . ."
    Cardinal Battista laughs softly. "Don't worry on what to say. I don't blame you for your master's indulgences."
    "Performances," I say. "Siface called his affairs performances."
    "Did he now? Well, I'll give him that. It was quite a performance. Such a performance that I ended up sending my mistress to a convent."
    I glance back toward the choir as Nicolini leans into a long, drawn out note which hovers at the edge of his ethereal voice. Again I wonder why Siface played around with the cardinal's mistress, along with all the other men and women with whom he had affairs. Like me, when Siface was castrated the possibility of truly being with a man or woman was taken away forever. Yet he still played at these affairs.
    The cardinal sees the confusion on my face and laughs again. "I was also puzzled by that, my young friend. But it turns out castrati are able to do any number of unnatural carnal sins. Simply not the one sin our church so obsesses on."
    For a moment pain flutters the cardinal's eyes and I imagine how he felt when he learned his mistress had cheated on him. But then I remember the cardinal should have been celibate to begin with. And I've no doubt the cardinal's mistress hated being sent to a convent but gave in because she had no other choice. Just like I have no choice but to sing for a church which allows men like Cardinal Battista to rule.
    If, that is, my voice ever becomes good enough for a church which so despises people like me.
    I laugh softly. Maybe that's why Siface engaged in these performances--to show the world the insanity and hypocrisy which exists in all our lives.
    Cardinal Battista smiles gently. I've been around Ferri's unemotional grins for so long that I've almost forgotten what a true smile looks like. "I have some unfortunate news," the cardinal says. "During your travels with Siface, did you happen to sing for the different choirs and opera houses across Italy?"
    I nod. Siface was always asking me to sing for his peers. "Siface often sought advice on how to improve my voice," I say.
    "I see. Well, it appears I won't be able to place you in one of the established choirs or opera houses. The men I've written to feel your voice isn't up to their standards."
    His news doesn't surprise me, but it still hurts. "Thank you for asking."
    "It's my duty to aid the needy. I so dislike how the castrati are created. God made humans in His divine image--to damage His body in this way is a true perversion. If you wish, we can pray together. Ask God to heal the evil which mankind turned you into."
    I know Cardinal Battista means well. I have met many bishops and cardinals during my time with Siface, and as Ferri once told me, Cardinal Battista is indeed more godly than most.
    But I still burn at Cardinal Battista calling me evil. While I'd once told Siface that I wish I'd never been gelded, I only said that because Siface