I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell Read Free Page B

ended , creating a short break in the action. I pulled Hate away from thi s stimulating conversation, and we joined everyone else at the bar. Hat e ordered shots for the group .
    After a post-shot round of beers, the mechanical bull started up. Hat e not only signed himself up, but continuously yelled across the bar a t the fat redneck with the smudged glasses until he came over an d signed up also. EI Bingeroso slammed a ten dollar bill on the bar, an d called the redneck out .
    EI Bing "Hey FATASS, ten bucks says my friend rides longer tha n you." Redneck "Screw you, northern bitch. I'll fucking outride your mom. " EI Bing "What? My mother's not here, idiot. You just have to outrid e him," pointing at Hate .
    The redneck walked off without answering. After a few girls rode th e bull, the redneck got on and was thrown after about 4 seconds. A poo r showing. We mock him mercilessly. He flips us off. We cheer loudly . Hate rode for the full 8 seconds, an eventful 8 seconds at that. Th e first four or so he was doing fine, until the bull reared back, and flun g him forward. Hate, had he been like the redneck, would have flown of f into the cushions. But Hate is sort of like a British pit-bull: once his jaw s are locked, nothing short of death can get him to release. As a result , his entire body landed on his crotch, which hit his hand, which he ha d tied to the saddle horn. You could almost see him turn green as hi s entire body weight crushed his testicles against his wrist. To his credit , he stayed on for the full 8 seconds .
    Hate, along with EI Bingeroso and Thomas who have joined in th e North vs. South discussion, begin taunting the fat redneck . Hate "Hey, Jethro, how'd I stay on longer than you? Your fat ass alon e should have kept you on for more than 4 seconds. "
    Thomas "Can anyone from the South do anything right? "
    EI Bing "Maybe if you weren't fucking your cousin, you'd be able t o hold on tighter. "
    Hate "I thought the North wasn't worth a shit? I've never even seen a
    mechanical bull before tonight, and I outrode your sorry ass."
    The redneck flips us off again, yells a stream of non-sequiturs that he presumably intended as disparaging remarks, and storms off with his friends. This enrages Hate,
    Hate "HE OWES YOU TEN DOLLARS!!"
    EI Bingeroso and I convince Hate that it's OK, in this case, a moral victory is sufficient.
    The mechanical bull interlude over, wrestling began again. Everything stayed calm for a while. The two wrestlers were incredibly fat, but they were using props (trash cans and such) and fake blood, so it was entertaining.
    I went to the bathroom and when I get back Hate had disappeared again. I found him up against the ring, trying to grab one of the wrestlers by the ankle. I run over to the ring, where the bouncers had pulled him off the ring, and were trying to calm him down. He did not respond to them agreeably.
    At this point, dealing with Hate was like taking a leashed pit bull to the Westminster Dog Show. I assist the bouncers on moving Hate away from the ring, and he and I end up in the area where the fat redneck and his entourage are. By this time, Motorbike Mike has come down to hang out with his myriad cousins and girlfriend. Hate, seeing the fat redneck, demands EI Bingeroso's ten dollars. Motorbike Mike and I try to break them up, when Hate realizes who he is, yells at him, "YOU FUCK YOUR COUSIN! YOU INBRED BITCH, GIVE ME MY TEN DOLLARS. I'LL KICK BOTH YOUR SOUTHERN WHITE TRASH ASSES."
    And then hell starts breaking loose.
    The bouncers lose their patience with Hate, and three of them, plus Motorbike Mike, picked him up and literally threw him out the back door. It was a scene straight out of "Roadhouse." I go to find everyone else, still at the bar, to tell them that Hate has been thrown out. EI Bingeroso and Thomas are drunk, hanging all over each other, telling college stories to each other that both were there for. Brownhole is talking to the only female bartender with a full