I Am Not Junco Omnibus: Books Four - Six Read Free Page A

group later, that these people do not care one way or another if I join them on the terrace.
    So I slink back to my dark room, crawl under the familiar covers, and count the seconds until I fall asleep.
     
    When I wake his name is on my tongue once again.
    Isten .
    The tears spill out before I can stop them, but I get it in check. I need the count, I tell myself. I need it, I need it, I need it.
    "You don't need it, Junco."
    I do. I need it.
    Gideon slips into the bed beside me. "You can't go on like this. You have to snap out of it, Juncs."
    Silence from me.
    "Just let the tears out. You need to cry more than the counting."
    I shake my head. "I do not want to cry."
    He breathes out with my words. "Please don't do this."
    I sniff away the unwanted runny nose. "Do what." It's not a question. It's a half-hearted attempt to stall what needs to be said.
    "It's a sickness, Junco. You know this. How many conversations have we had about it?"
    "Too many."
    "Is that why you wouldn't come outside?"
    "No," I lie.
    He sighs and turns me around. "You can cry, ya know. No one will stop you."
    I know this. I've cried lots of times since leaving the camp behind. I've cried in front of my whole team, Tier, Ashur, Lucan. They've all seen me cry.
    But this is different. I want to count. Those little counts, the heartbeats, those were nothing compared to what I need to count now. But two weaknesses is one too many.
    So I will not cry. And I will not count what I need to count until I get rid of all the crying urges. Because once I start, I won't stop.
    "You can talk about it if you want."
    I don't want. I cannot even imagine what will come out with the words. Something bad, of that I'm sure. "Where's Tier?"
    "On Amelia." It's the same answer I get from Lucan when I ask him.
    "Why? Why is he hundreds of millions of miles away when I'm right here?"
    "I'm not sure, Junco," he lies. I know Gideon well. And that was a lie.
    "Go away."
    He does go and as soon as the door closes behind him I am up and moving towards the window. I stop myself before the sky comes into view. I stop.
    I am stopped.
    But I look, and lean forward a little, stretching to catch a glimpse.
    And when I do I smile.
    Because they're not there.
    And then I laugh. They're not there! It's cloudy!
    Gideon's boots move away on the other side of the door and I don't even care that he just caught me. I don't care. I feel the dark place inside me. It's back. That motherfucking bitch has opened up my dark place and I will get her for this. I will not rest until I have wreaked evil and destruction on everyone who had a part in it.
    That bitch violated me.
    Violated me. For two years.
    I know who I am. I know exactly who I am.
    And soon, everyone else will too.

Chapter Three
     

    I stay in my room until it's almost time for Lucan to return the next day. The urge to cry is almost one hundred percent in check now. I've overcome it, like an immune system might overtake a foreign invader of the body. This makes me laugh as I stand out on the terrace. What the hell happened to my antigens, for fuck's sake? That bitch—
    Stop, Junco. Just let it go for now.
    I breathe out and the anger spews into the air like a disease.
    There are no poker games tonight. Gideon gave in and made the luxury palatial apartment off-limits to the guards. That's who all those guys were. Just guards. It seems so silly to have been afraid of them. I mean, I could probably take them all at the same time if I really wanted to apply myself.
    Stupid, Junco, they're here to protect you, not fight you.
    Right, I know that, too.
    I'm better now. Better than I was last night, that's for sure. I don't even have the urge to look up at the stars, it's not time yet. Soon, but not yet.
    "Oh, I'm so pleased, Junco!" Lucan is standing next to me with a smile on his face.
    "Pleased about what?"
    He locks his arm in mine. "You're outside, dressed, fed?"
    I nod.
    "Excellent. That's excellent."
    "What am I, a toddler? Some small child