Hyena Read Free Page A

it, and then threw him down the hill.
    He was always talking about how he coulda been in the Mob but he decided to go straight. So that’s why we’re having this sex talk wedged into his rusted-out, piece-of-shit Chevette. Taking me from his shitty one-bedroom apartment where we lived to another piece-of-shit apartment, where I lived with my mom, because he decided to go straight.
    “Jude.”
    “What, man?”
    “Do you know what anilingus is?”
    “Don’t even tell me.”
    “That’s when if you love a woman very, very much, like how I loved ya motha, you take her in the bathroom, wash her up real good, and get her squeaky clean. Then you lay her down on the bed on her stomach and you lick her asshole. You spread her cheeks and you tongue her asshole. I used to do it to your motha all the time, she couldn’t get enough of it, it’d drive her nuts. Make sure you get her nice and squeaky clean,though; you don’t wanna get shit in your mouth because the fecal matter’ll make you sick. That’s what the Vietcong did in ’Nam: they dipped spikes in shit and buried them in pits and set up booby traps to kill soldiers. They’d get these puncture wounds with shit in ’em and it’d fester. . . .”
    I sat there in silence staring at the trees out the window while he went on about ’Nam and eating my mom’s ass. He was always talking about fucking my mom. Poor guy, never did get over losing her.

my morning
    I’VE HIT A NEW LOW. I got my phone in one hand, my dick in the other. I’m in bed jerking off to chicks drinking urine. Regular porn doesn’t cut it anymore. It’ll only get worse. It might be an elephant dick tomorrow. Let me just take care of this fucking thing, beat it to submission, then I can face the day.
    It’s better than jerking off to old sex with my ex-girlfriend. That’s no way to start the morning, with some brokenhearted shame nut.
    Then I’m thinking about her all day, thinking it’s Julie every time I see a brunette from a distance with full hips. Waiting for her to turn around, walking faster to see her face, follow her for a block or two, just to talk to her, what are you gonna say? Nothing. Wrong person. Never mind.
    I wonder if she sees ghosts, too.
    I rub the cum on my belly and wait for it to dry before I throw the covers back on. The phone’s on my side with the movie still playing, this chick lapping up piss out of the bowl.

used and abused
    I WAS LOOKING TO MEET a chick who played backgammon in my area, so I posted an ad for it on Craigslist. I kept it straightforward yet vague. That way if she was cute, I could try and fuck her, and if she was ugly, we’d just play the game and I could try and fuck her friends.
    It read something like this:
    Backgammon Anyone?
    do you love playing backgammon? me too! Looking for new people to play backgammon with. i hope to start a club. please contact me if you’re interested. i’m located in the Hollywood area.
    I might as well have written, “Hi I’m Jude, I’m on suicide watch, sometimes I wake up crying.”
    I genuinely love the game; it’s poetic, it mirrors life. You can do everything right, but you get one wrong roll and lose inthe end. But over time the better player will come out on top if you just keep playing. When I put out the ad, I thought that women might find this hobby quirky and charming. They don’t. It’s about as quirky and charming to chicks as a captain’s hat and a corncob pipe.
    One person answered. She was from Alaska with an extremely high voice. She called and said, “Hi, I’m from Alaska. My voice is high.”
    We set up something for later that week. I show up at Starbucks to play backgammon with her. She rolls up riding a Rascal scooter. Turned out she was retarded. I beat her twice and left.
    I went back on Craigslist. I thought maybe I should check out the Casual Encounters page, since the backgammon didn’t work out. I came across an ad from a woman looking to have rough casual sex on a biweekly