He Loves Lucy Read Free Page B

center of her body.
    “I sense some anger in how you describe him.”
    Lucy had to laugh. “Not anger. I’m just kind of ashamed of myself for fantasizing about him the way I do-you know, him naked, feeding me Lorna Doone cookies while I watch Andy Griffith reruns.”
    Doris began to scribble on her clipboard.
    “Am I having a breakthrough?”
    Doris grinned. “I’m not sure yet. Please go on.”
    “Theo seems pretty shallow, but God is he
hot
, Doris. I’m talking perfect. Theo Redmond is perfect. He’s so perfect that it doesn’t even matter that he’s shallow. Did you know that most of his clients are models?”
    “Shallow.”
    “Yes.”
    “And you know this how?”
    Doris’s tone of voice surprised Lucy. “Look, he’s very nice. All I’m saying is based on all that perfection, I’m thinking he must focus more on his appearance than his character. It must take all his time to have that perfect body. The perfect hair. That perfect smile.”
    “I see,” Doris said. She put down her pen. “Just as one might assume that an overweight person is a lazy slob?”
    “
Doris
!” Lucy sat back in the love seat and blinked a few times.
    “Just a little food for thought, Lucy.”

Chapter 2
    January
     
    Journal Entry Jan 1
    Breakfast:
3A c oatmeal; 1
c
skim milk; ` c strawberries; half decaf/half regular coffee
     
    Lunch: 3
oz chicken breast; 1 slice whole wheat bread; 1 tbsp light mayo; celery; lettuce; tomato; 1 med apple
     
    Dinner: 3
oz corned beef; 1
c
cooked cabbage; large salad w/orange and red peppers, tomatoes, cucumbers, and 2 tbsp light ranch dressing
     
    Snack:
1
c
plain yogurt; 1/4
c
light granola; 1 orange
     
    Affirmation for Today:
    I am strong enough to refrain from killing any or all
    members of my family.
    “Lucinda, honey, would you pass the soda bread?”
    Lucy handed the still-warm Irish bread to her mother and tried not to let the heavenly scent enter her nostrils and pierce her primordial brain, which would force her to stick her face directly into the basket and growl like a starving alley dog as she ripped off giant hunks with her incisors.
    “You’re eating like a bird.” It was the fifth time her father had made that observation since they sat down to dinner. “No potatoes. No bread. Are you sick?”
    “Oh, for crying out loud, Bill. Leave her alone. You know she’s on that diet.” Lucy watched with envy as her mother slathered butter all over a thick chunk of soda bread and savored a healthy bite.
    Lucy reached for her glass of ice water and sipped demurely, looking around the New Year’s Day table, wondering why she’d thought she could survive another visit to the Land o‘ Food when Christmas had been such an unmitigated disaster. She still hadn’t come clean to Theo about the pecan pie from December 26 and the deception was gnawing a hole in her soul. She’d promised that everything that went into her mouth would go into her food journal, and she’d already blown it, not even a month into her new life. And tomorrow was her first weigh-in! On live television!
    She had no choice but to come clean. It’s not like she could say she
forgot
she ate half a pie.
    “What kind of diet is it again, honey?”
    The kind where you sneak a half a pecan pie.
    “It’s not a diet, Mother. Lucy calls it a fitness and nutrition plan.” This clarification came from Lucy’s older sister, Mary Fran, who was shoveling some kind of green bean paste from a jar into the open maw of her youngest.
    Lucy watched her nephew spew most of it out and bang his fists on the high chair tray. She could relate. If she didn’t get a piece of that soda bread in the next five seconds, she’d be banging her fists on the table as well. Somehow, she’d survived an entire month eating nothing but whole grains, fresh produce, and lean cuts of meat. What the hell kind of torture was
that
! Nothing fried. Nothing gooey. Nothing with icing on it. Nothing even vaguely cupcake-shaped. Lucy didn’t think