Hawk of May Read Free Page B

don’t know! I will tell you: I don’t know either. But I wonder. You are a member of a kingly clan, son of a king and a High King’s daughter. I am a war-leader, your mother a planner of wars. And what can you do but ride horses and play songs on the harp? Oh, to be sure, to be a bard is an honorable profession—but not for the sons of kings. And now we go off to war, Agravain and the clan and I. If Agravain is killed, or should our ally Gwlgawd prove a traitor, do you know what will become of you?”
    â€œI could not be king!” I said, shocked. “You can choose anyone inour clan as your successor, Diuran or Aidan or anyone, and all of them better suited than me.”
    â€œBut they are not my sons. I want one of my sons to be king after me.” Lot stared a little while longer. “But I would not choose you.”
    â€œYou could not,” I said.
    â€œAnd it does not even make you angry?” asked my father, bitterly.
    â€œWhy should it? I don’t want to be king.”
    â€œThen what do you want to be?”
    I dropped my eyes again. “I don’t know.”
    Lot stood, violently. “You must! I want to know what you will become while I am away at war!”
    I shook my head. Desperation loosened my tongue. “I’m sorry, Father. I don’t know. Only…not a king, or a bard, or…I don’t know. I want something, something else. I don’t know what it is. I can’t be a proper warrior, I’ve no talent for it. But one day…nothing is important enough now, but sometimes I have dreams and…and there is something in songs. And once I dreamt about a sword, burning, with a lot of red around it, and the sun and the sea…”I lost myself in my thoughts, trying to name what it was that moved within me. “I can’t understand it yet. But it is important that I wait for it, because it is more important to fight for this than for anything—only I don’t understand what it is…” I trailed off weakly, met my father’s eyes again, and again looked away.
    Lot waited for more, realized there was none, and shook his head. “I do not understand you. You speak like a druid, pretending to prophesy. Do you want to be a druid? I thought not. What, then?”
    â€œI don’t know,” I said wretchedly, and stared at the floor. I could feel his eyes still on me, but I did not look up again. After a bit the rushes sounded as he walked back to the bed.
    â€œWell, I expected as much.” His voice was cold and brisk. “You don’t even know what you are speaking of, and you can’t fight. When a quarrel begins, instead of standing up you run off. Agravain and your teachers say that you are afraid. Afraid. A coward. That’s what they call you in the Boys’ House, I hear. One without honor.”
    I bit my lip to hold back the angry shout. I cared something for my honor, but I didn’t look on it as others looked on theirs. Perhaps, I thought, it is not the same thing.
    â€œStay here at Dun Fionn, then,” said Lot. “Go and play your harp and ride your horses. Now get out of here.”
    I turned to leave, but just as I reached the door I felt my mother’s eyes on me and looked back. I realized suddenly that she had been watching me ever since I had spoken of my dreams. Her eyes were darker than night and more beautiful than stars. When they met mine she smiled, a slow, secret, wonderful smile that was mine alone.
    As I left the room, my misery lightened by her notice, I felt her eyes following me into the open air. And, even though I worshipped her, even though I could set her smile in the balance with my father’s anger and be contented, still I wondered again how her father Uther had died, and was uneasy.

Two
    My father sent out the call to the kings of the Orcades, telling them to gather their warbands, the rest of their men and their ships and supplies and come to