Good Bones Read Free Page A

imploring songs, all musical whines and groans?
    Aimed straight at women stupid enough to find them seductive!
    When lovely woman stoops or bungles her way into folly,
    pleading her good intentions, her wish to please,
    and is taken advantage of, especially by somebody famous,
    if stupid or smart enough, she gets caught, just as in classic novels,
    and makes her way into the tabloids, confused and tearful,
    and from there straight into our hearts.
    We forgive you!
we cry.
We understand! Now do it some more!
    Hypocrite lecteuse! Ma semblable! Ma soeur!
    Let us now praise stupid women,
    who have given us Literature.

The Female Body
    “
 … entirely devoted to the subject of “The Female Body.” Knowing how well you have written on this topic … this capacious topic…
”
    – letter from the
Michigan Quarterly Review
1.
    I AGREE, IT’S a hot topic. But only one? Look around, there’s a wide range. Take my own, for instance.
    I get up in the morning. My topic feels like hell. I sprinkle it with water, brush parts of it, rub it with towels, powder it, add lubricant. I dump in the fuel and away goes my topic, my topical topic, my controversial topic, my capacious topic, my limping topic, my nearsighted topic, my topic with back problems, my badly behaved topic, my vulgar topic, my outrageous topic, my ageing topic, my topic that is out of the question and anyway still can’t spell, in its oversized coat and worn winter boots, scuttling along the sidewalk as if it were flesh and blood, hunting for what’s out there, an avocado, an alderman, an adjective, hungry as ever.
2.
    The basic Female Body comes with the following accessories: garter-belt, panty-girdle, crinoline, camisole, bustle, brassiere, stomacher, chemise, virgin zone, spike heels, nose-ring, veil, kid gloves, fishnet stockings, fichu, bandeau, Merry Widow, weepers, chokers, barrettes, bangles, beads, lorgnette, feather boa, basic black, compact, Lycra stretch one-piecewith modesty panel, designer peignoir, flannel nightie, lace teddy, bed, head.
3.
    The Female Body is made of transparent plastic and lights up when you plug it in. You press a button to illuminate the different systems. The Circulatory System is red, for the heart and arteries, purple for the veins; the Respiratory System is blue, the Lymphatic System is yellow, the Digestive System is green, with liver and kidneys in aqua. The nerves are done in orange and the brain is pink. The skeleton, as you might expect, is white.
    The Reproductive System is optional, and can be removed. It comes with or without a miniature embryo. Parental judgement can thereby be exercised. We do not wish to frighten or offend.
4.
    He said, I won’t have one of those things in the house. It gives a young girl a false notion of beauty, not to mention anatomy. If a real woman was built like that she’d fall on her face.
    She said, If we don’t let her have one like all the other girls she’ll feel singled out. It’ll become an issue. She’ll long for one and she’ll long to turn into one. Repression breeds sublimation. You know that.
    He said, It’s not just the pointy plastic tits, it’s the wardrobes. The wardrobes and that stupid male doll, what’s his name, the one with the underwear glued on.
    She said, Better to get it over with when she’s young. He said, All right but don’t let me see it.
    She came whizzing down the stairs, thrown like a dart. She was stark naked. Her hair had been chopped off, her head was turned back to front, she was missing some toes and she’d been tattooed all over her body with purple ink, in a scrollwork design. She hit the potted azalea, trembled there for a moment like a botched angel, and fell.
    He said, I guess we’re safe.
5.
    The Female Body has many uses. It’s been used as a doorknocker, a bottle-opener, as a clock with a ticking belly, as something to hold up lampshades, as a nutcracker, just squeeze the brass legs together and out comes your nut. It bears