Funny Boy Takes on the Chit-Chatting Cheeses from Chattanooga Read Free Page B

over.

    I thought that would be the end of it, but the next evening Bob Foster and I were watching the The Tonight Show, and who should be on as a guest but Monterey Jack, the leader of the cheeses! They had to build a huge chair for him to “sit” in while Jay Leno interviewed him.
    “I must say,” Jay Leno said, “Jack, you’re the first enormous talking cheese we’ve had on the show. You certainly are ugly.”
    “Flattery will get you nowhere, Jay. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”
    “So, do you have a wife or a girlfriend, Jack? What’s her name, Velveeta?”
    “My lips are sealed.”
    “I notice you use a lot of clichés when you talk, Jack. You know, tired, overused expressions that have lost their originality and impact because we’ve heard them so many times.”
    “I make no bones about it,” Jack replied. “If the shoe fits, wear it.”
    “Don’t you ever talk without using clichés?”
    “Once in a blue moon.”
    “When were you born?”
    “I wasn’t born yesterday, Jay.”
    “Tell me, what does a cheese eat?”
    “You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.”
    “So you’re basically a chitchatting, cliché-cracking cheese from Chattanooga.”
    The audience thought Monterey Jack was a witty and engaging guest. The next week, there was a feature story in People magazine about the Wisconsin mailman and the four cheeses that fell on top of him.
    The Guinness Book of World Records sent a representative to verify that what had fallen out of the Wisconsin sky was in fact the “largest cheese in the world.”
    On TV, 60 Minutes devoted a segment to the alien cheeses. They appeared on an episode of Modern Family. A parade was held in their honor, and they were hailed as the heroes who had saved America from a real cheese crisis.
    It wasn’t long before “cheesemania” was sweeping the nation. Sales of all cheese products tripled. Cheese-themed trading cards, T-shirts, and lunch boxes appeared on store shelves. Somebody came out with a rap song about cheese. There was talk of a major motion picture starring Monterey Jack, Romano, Fontina, and Mozzarella. People said they could be the hottest thing since Silly Bandz.
    Young girls argued about which of the four cheeses was the cutest. Grown women found them to be attractive, too. Monterey Jack received several marriage proposals. There were rumors that he was seen at a nightclub with those tennis-playing Williams sisters.
    Everybody, it seemed, loved Monterey Jack, Romano, Fontina, and Mozzarella.
    Everybody but my foster father, Bob Foster, the cheese hobbyist and knower of all things about cheese.

    “Something tells me,” he whispered, shaking his head, “those cheeses are up to no good.”
    [Imagine increasingly scary music here.]

CHAPTER 6

    MORE LOVE STUFF HERE. BOYS MIGHT WANT TO SKIP THIS CHAPTER AND MOVE ON TO CHAPTER 7, WHERE THERE’S A LOT OF VIOLENCE AND DESTRUCTION AND DEATH. COOL!
    Despite the scary music that ended the last chapter, I didn’t concern myself with the enormous cheeses that had landed in Wisconsin and become worldwide celebrities. Monterey Jack, Romano, Fontina, and Mozzarella seemed like happy, harmless cheeses that just happened to have come from outer space. It wasn’t like they were evil aliens that were going to take over Earth or anything. Nothing to worry my little head about.
    Besides, I had something else on my mind. Tupper Camembert.
    I was in love! I let the sound of her name roll around in my mouth. Tup-per Cam-em-bert. Tup-per Cam-em-bert. Say it loud and there’s music playing! Say it soft and it’s almost like praying.
    I had never had this feeling in my life. Tupper was so beautiful! I couldn’t get the picture of her out of my mind. I thought about her day and night. I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. I dreamed about her.
    Tup-per Cam-em-bert. Tup-per Cam-em-bert.
    “Will you stop it?” my dog, Punch, snapped as I was writing Tupper’s name over and over again on my hand