Fractious Read Free Page B

was what I first identified him as. The best I could come
up with was a stick figure wearing a bright green top hat. The bright green top hat was definitely
the best part of my drawing and there was no other likeness to the real figure at all. I wasn't ready
to doubt myself though. I'd seen him a total of three times. Twice he'd hit me and once he'd given
me the finger. There was nothing in his demeanor to make me believe that he wasn't real.
    "Okay, Fractious," I said to myself, "the real question isn't is he a leprechaun or not but
how the hell does he get in and out of that tree?"
    I began to devise a plan. Using a disguise, I would go down to the park and sit on a
bench but not my normal bench. He knew my normal bench, of that I was sure. In my clever
disguise, I would wait and watch until the leprechaun who was not a leprechaun reappeared, no
matter how long it took.
    The next morning I put on a fedora, a trench coat and a pair of dark sunglasses I just
happened to have in my closet for such an occasion and went to sit on a bench on the opposite
side of the park from where I usually sat. I still had a good view of the leprechaun's tree and my
disguise was good enough so he would never recognize me. Hopefully, if Crista was there with
her neighbor's kid, she wouldn't recognize me either. And hopefully no one would call the
cops.
    I sat for two hours, pretending to read the newspaper. I never noticed it was upside down
until the leprechaun who was not a leprechaun appeared from his tree. He sauntered right over to
me, took off his bright green top hat and whacked me over the head.
    "How'd you know it was me?" I said, rubbing my head in a general repeat of the
previous day.
    "You think that just because I'm short that I'm stupid?"
    "I'm not sure," was my answer.
    "What's your name, kid?" he said, and settled down on the bench beside me.
    I took off my dark sunglasses and stashed them in one of the many pockets of my trench
coat. "Guy," I said, pronouncing it properly so he'd make no mistake.
    He repeated it properly, although with a touch of disbelief. "Serious? Who gave you a
shitty name like that?"
    "My mother," I said defensively. "She was French."
    He threw his hands up in the air. "That explains everything."
    "Not everything," I said. "Doesn't explain why I can see you."
    "Yeah," he said with a growl. "I don't know why you can see me either. That reminds
me." He took off his bright green top hat and hit me again.
    Angry, I said, "Why do you keep doing that?!"
    "Doesn't make sense," the leprechaun who didn't like being called a leprechaun muttered
to himself. "Usually I find them in the emergency room," he continued, still muttering to himself.
"You been hit on the head recently?" he said.
    "Yes."
    "Okay, now it makes sense."
    I blinked.
    "I'm Cu," he said.
    "Koo?" I repeated, while still blinking rapidly in a futile attempt to un-see him.
    "It's Irish, asshole."
    "So you really are a leprechaun," I said, feeling a bit triumphant.
    "Cu," he repeated. "C-u. And I'm not a fucking leprechaun. I'm one of the Tuatha
Dé."
    "What the hell's that?" I said.
    The leprechaun who was not a leprechaun and apparently wanted to be called one of the
Tuatha Dé said, "Never you mind. Point is, a certain somebody likes you and since that
certain somebody has authority over me, I'm here to bring you with me."
    "To where? Leprechaun land?" I ducked the swinging bright green top hat but he
clocked me in the back of the head. "I mean, to Tuatha Dé land?"
    "Listen to me, fucker," the Tuatha Dé who I will no longer call a leprechaun
because it apparently pisses him off royally said. "You come with me or I kill you. ¿Comprende? "
    "What's that mean?" I said, rubbing the back of my head.
    "Get up," he said.
    I did. "Is that what comprende means?" I said.
    He ignored this to say, "Since you're so damned interested in that tree which happens to
be my home, I'm going to take you there. Get it?"
    I nodded, then shook my head.
    He hopped