Flutter Read Free Page A

the bed, nearing the window to get a good look at the Ann Arbor sky. It was blue and sunny—clear and bright, the trees bare and vulnerable, bracing for the upcoming winter.
    It had been a long time since I had felt free and young and not so exhausted. I thought about the possibility of hiking down by Brock Point or riding my bike out by the lake. I thought of last fall, how Gia and I had gone to a Halloween party near the lake with a handful of kids from school. We had carved pumpkins and toasted the seeds over an open fire. Gia’s pumpkin had definitely looked a lot like Johnny Hatfield, her old next-door neighbor. It was the gap in the teeth.
    I laughed at the memory.
    That seemed like a lifetime ago. The loops were taking so much out of me now. Only months ago I had spent my days at Loganbridge Academy, at the ballet studio, being normal—or quasi-normal—with only my nights captive to the loops. But now I was too worn, too wiped out to even leave the hospital some days. Things were obviously getting worse, and getting worse quickly.
    I had had such high hopes for figuring this all out when Dad had proposed the “team” to me, the study. I had been sohappy to have someone, anyone, listen to me and even half believe me that I had jumped at the chance.
    Nights at the hospital? No problem. How naive I had been.
    As I pondered my looming final face-off with Dad and my team of doctors, I started to wonder which I wanted more: for them to finally believe me or for me to just pack my bags.
    Maybe I could start midsemester at school.
    No, that was crazy. I was in no physical shape for anything, really. I knew that.
    Maybe Nan and I could finally go visit Monet’s bridge, go to Giverny, paint it ourselves, like we had talked about for so long.
    I decided to get some breakfast after all.
Maybe eggs
, I thought as my brush got tangled in my curls. I caught a look at myself in the mirror. I looked the same—same blue eyes and red hair, same fair skin, same long, slightly off-center nose, just like Mom’s. Nan always called it elegant.
    But I looked different somehow. Beaten.
    I slipped on my robe, and once I was convinced I was at least hospital-type presentable, I walked out into the hallway and pressed the elevator button.
    A few of the newer nurses stared a bit. I was used to it. I knew I was the freak on the grounds. I waved over to Loretta at the nurses’ station.
    I rode the elevator down to the cafeteria, aware that Ihad my arms crossed over my chest the whole way. Everything was so squeaky-clean, so shiny. So very clinical. Even the elevator buttons looked free of smudges and smears and signs of life. I didn’t want to touch a thing, as if becoming familiar with my surroundings would somehow mean I was accepting my fate here.
    “Emery!” I heard the familiar squeal as soon as I stepped off the elevator.
    “Gia!” I leaned in a bit and tried as always not to seem awkward when Gia gave me her requisite hug. Gia is a hugger, unlike the Land family. But she is my best friend—my only friend, really.
    “I didn’t know you were coming! Does Dad know you’re here? How’s school? How’s Xander’s class—”
    “Emery!” She gave me another hug and pushed me out at arm’s length. “You look like hell.”
    “Thanks,” I mumbled. “You look great too.”
    She moved us toward the cafeteria line and hooked her arm through mine. I was instantly lighter in her presence.
    “Gia,” I told her, “I’m so glad you showed up. I needed a visit.”
    “That’s what your dad said,” she replied, popping an apple slice in her mouth from the salad bar. She was wearing her dark hair flatironed, stick straight. And she had the same old sequined cat’s-eye glasses. She wore dark, skinny jeans and lots of silver bracelets.
    I pulled my robe tighter as we grabbed our breakfasts.
I’m dressing like one of them
, I thought, wincing.
    “My dad called you?” I asked. This was new … curious.
    “Texted me, actually,”