Festival of Fear Read Free Page A

It’s only a Volkswagen but I don’t hardly ever use it.’
    I looked up at her and narrowed my eyes. Down in Baton Rouge the folks slide around on a snail’s trail of courtesy and Southern charm, but I can’t imagine any one of them offering a total stranger the use of their car, especially a total stranger who was liable to ruin the suspension just by sitting in the driver’s seat.
    â€˜That’s very gracious of you, Velma.’
    I bought The Quoddy Whirlpool. If you were going into hospital for a heart bypass they could give you that paper instead of a general anesthetic. Under ‘Help Wanted’ somebody was advertising for a ‘talented’ screen-door repair person and somebody else needed an experienced leaf-blower mechanic and somebody else was looking for a twice-weekly dog-walker for their Presa Canario. Since I happened to know that Presa Canarios stand two feet tall and weigh almost as much as I do, and that two of them notoriously ripped an innocent woman in San Francisco into bloody shreds, I was not wholly motivated to apply for the last of those positions.
    In the end I went to the Maine Job Service on Beech Street. A bald guy in a green, zip-up, hand-knitted cardigan sat behind a desk with photographs of his toothy wife on it (presumably the perpetrator of the green, zip-up, hand-knitted cardigan) while I had to hold my hand up all the time to stop the sun from shining in my eyes.
    â€˜So . . . what is your field of expertise, Mr Dauphin?’
    â€˜Oh, please, call me John. I’m a restaurant hygienist. I have an FSIS qualification from Baton Rouge University and nine years’ experience working for the Louisiana Restaurant Association.’
    â€˜What brings you up to Calais, Maine, John?’
    â€˜I just felt it was time for a radical change of location.’ I squinted at the nameplate on his desk. ‘Martin.’
    â€˜I’m afraid I don’t have anything available on quite your level of expertise, John. But I do have one or two catering opportunities.’
    â€˜What exactly kind of catering opportunities, Martin?’
    â€˜Vittles need a cleaner . . . that’s an excellent restaurant, Vittles, one of the premier eateries in town. It’s situated in the Calais Motor Inn.’
    â€˜Ah.’ As a guest of the Calais Motor Inn, I couldn’t exactly see myself eating dinner in the restaurant and then carrying my own dishes into the kitchen and washing them up.
    â€˜Then Tony’s have an opportunity for a breakfast chef.’
    â€˜Tony’s?’
    â€˜Tony’s Gourmet Burgers on North Street.’
    â€˜I see. What do they pay?’
    â€˜They pay more than Burger King or McDonald’s. They have outlets all over Maine and New Brunswick, but they’re more of a family business. More of a quality restaurant, if you know what I mean. I always take my own family to eat there.’
    â€˜And is that all you have?’
    â€˜I have plenty of opportunities in fishing and associated trades. Do you have any expertise with drift nets?’
    â€˜Drift nets? Are you kidding? I spent my whole childhood trawling for pilchards off the coast of Greenland.’
    Martin looked across his desk at me, sitting there with my hand raised like I needed to go to the bathroom. When he spoke his voice was very biscuity and dry. ‘Why don’t you call round at Tony’s, John? See if you like the look of it. I’ll give Mr Le Renges a call, tell him you’re on your way.’
    â€˜Thanks, Martin.’
    Tony’s Gourmet Burgers was one block away from Burger King and two blocks away from McDonald’s, on a straight, tree-lined street where the 4x4s rolled past at two and a half miles per hour and everybody waved to each other and whacked each other on the back whenever they could get near enough and you felt like a hidden orchestra was going to strike up the theme to Providence