F*ck Feelings Read Free Page B

more futile life seems while you continue to wait. The worst thing that can happen is that your wish actually comes true, because that’s when you think you’ve discovered The Secret , but haven’t. Then, since it’s your nature to have more wishes, it’s only a matter of time until you run into a brick wall of disappointment, which is now your fault, because you’ve failed to do The Secret properly. No matter how much you deserve it, you can’t always get what you want, and that’s life (unless you’re Oprah).
    Go ahead and wish, pray, and focus—they help you to know what you want, particularly if it guides you toward keeping your priorities straight and working hard—just don’t take it personally when you don’t get your reward. And watch your Crisco intake.
Getting to the Root of Your Problem . . . and Tearing It Out
    It’s not clear when people started equating solving emotional issues with retracing your steps in order to find your car keys, but if you retrace your steps to uncover the ultimate source of your problems, you won’t usually find it. On the plus side, you might find your sunglasses.
    What people hate to consider, even after root seeking has been getting them nowhere for some time, is that, sometimes, it just doesn’t work. There are lots of problems we’ll never know the answer to. There’s nothing wrong with looking for answers that might actually exist, but, when the search isn’t bearing fruit, there’s a strong possibility that answers aren’t to be had, and obsessing about finding them is a distraction to figuring out where the real keys are—and what you’re going to do next.
    People prefer to believe that, with enough fact gathering, insight, and the heart-to-heart sharing of honest, heretofore suppressed, and probably embarrassing emotion, any problem can be sourced and solved. In fact, knowing why you’ve got a bad habit usually gives you no ability to stop it, and the search for deeper knowledge sometimes serves as an excuse for waiting until it’s easier to stop, which it never is. So getting to the root of your problem is often antitherapeutic, and, at worst, a giant waste of time.
    Or, if therapy hasn’t solved a problem, you wonder whether it’s been intense and long-lasting enough, or if you’ve been sincere enough, or if your therapist is skilled enough. If the problem involves a relationship, you wonder if you’ve worked hard enough to express painful and negative feelings—which again, surprise, often makes things worse.
    Here are telltale signs that your quest for a deep solution—or Holy Grail—must end:
    â€¢Â The amount of searching you put in is inverse to the amount you have been able to change your problem
    â€¢Â Your friends, kids, and pets have made it clear that the subject of your past/problems/bullshit is closed
    â€¢Â Your therapist has been less blunt than your friends, kids, and pets, but is clearly falling asleep
    â€¢Â You’ve revised the past so many times, your déjà vu has déjà vu
    Among the wishes people express when they feel there must be an answer to an unsolvable problem are:
    â€¢Â To figure out what happened that caused them to lose the control they once had
    â€¢Â To find out why they can’t do something when they’ve always been good at doing something similar
    â€¢Â To understand why they can’t stop being drawn to doing something bad
    Here are three examples:
    I don’t understand why I started drinking again after ten years of sobriety. I had no desire to drink—going to bars didn’t bother me, nor did having liquor in the house or being around friends who were drinking. Then suddenly I was tense over a problem at work, and I figured I should be able to control myself after all these years, so I had a drink. It was fine, I had only one, and kept to a