Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Dungeons & Dragons Read Free Page B

come up with an interesting idea.”
    â€œDoes it involve a way to siphon collagen from lips?”
    â€œNo, but wow. Great idea. What is with Taylor’s face? She’d be pretty if not for the giant pink football she wears under her nose.”
    â€œIt looks like a baboon’s ass, if you ask me.”
    â€œUgh. Why did I ask? But back to my idea.”
    Judy said something but it was muffled.
    â€œDid you just call me Camille?”
    â€œMaybe.”
    â€œFine. Tell me what you think. Let’s get them all in a room with a Dungeon Master so they can work out their problems.”
    â€œOh, wouldn’t the housewives love a Dungeon Master,” Judy said. “Especially that dopey housewife who’s desperate to find a husband. You know who she looks like? Ralphie, your Aunt Elly’s old beagle. Remember Ralphie?”
    â€œSeriously, Judy?” I’ve been working at Wizards for more than a decade and still her mind reverts to ball gags and cat-o’-nine tails when I mention Dungeon Master? Kim does kind of look like Ralphie, though. “I’m talking about the very innocent game called Dungeons & Dragons, where a Dungeon Master helps tell you a story.”
    â€œOh. Well, I think you’d have better luck selling the idea to Bravo if you used my idea.”
    I continued with my plan. “Playing D&D would force them to work out their issues. Taking on different roles would foster respect for each other and encourage them to band together to solve a common problem. It’s way better than the old exercise of falling backward into your so-called friend’s waiting arms.”
    â€œOr they could pick up a copy of
When Friendship Hurts
,” she said. “Did you read that yet?”
    â€œAw, come on! Why are you sending me that?”
    â€œRemember when your so-called friend Trisha deliberately threw a party on the same day as your birthday? And she didn’t invite you?”
    â€œYes, in sixth grade!” I argued. “And I’m 99% over it!”
    â€œAnd I spent all that money renting out Skate Estate for what turned out to be your brother, his weird friend Petey, and you. And none of you skated!”
    Oh, I see. The reason she’s still pissed is because she wasted money on the skating party. “Look, Mommy,” I explained. “Trisha was offering to teach kids how to French inhale with the cigarettes she stole from the lunch monitor! Unlimited pitchers of orange juice and couples-skate with my brother can’t compete with that. Even I didn’t want to go to my own party!”
    â€œWell, read the book,” she said. “Now you’ll know what to do next time someone abandons, betrays, or wounds you.”
    â€œI already know what to do,” I told her. “Hang up. Or hit ’em with a
magic missile.
”
    â€œI think you have some work to do on your pitch.”
    â€œJust arrived at work. Call you on the way home!”

    I thought about those batty housewives the next time my group and I got together to play D&D. What’s crazy is that playing D&D at work
is
work for a lot of my co-workers. And it’s no accident they ended up at Wizards. In fact, it’s their dream job. The company is filled with lifelong gamers. Men and women who have fond memories of discovering D&D in their older cousins’ closets, under Christmas trees, at the game and comic book shops their older siblings brought them to when they were supposed to be baby-sitting. Seems everyone has a how-I-discovered-D&D story around here.
    In fact, some of those stories rival those found between the covers of Judy’s favorite self-help tomes. I’m not the only one who finds inspiration with D&D. And that’s when it hit me.

    â€œAre you out of your tree?” Judy asked when I called from my commute home to expand on my new idea. “You think D&D can make you and the Housewives better people than Oprah