Dead Clown Barbecue Read Free

Abigail consoled our daughter. It was a deep bite, and Becky winced as I put the peroxide on the wound, but my brave little girl didn't cry.
    "He just bit you for no reason?" Abigail asked.
    Becky nodded. "I was asleep."
    "Why would he do that? It doesn't make any sense."
    "Of course it makes sense," I said. "He's a double-zombie cat. Aggressive behavior is only natural."
    "We can't have a cat that's going to attack the children," said Abigail.
    "Well, that's what we've got. I'm not taking him back to the vet. He'll ask too many questions."
    "You could take him to a different vet."
    I shook my head. "This is clearly a reanimated cat. Any vet could tell that. If you want to take him in, you're more than welcome, but I'm not doing it."
    Tipsy crawled out from under Becky's bed, growling.
    "Maybe he's just hungry," said Becky.
    "Hungry for human flesh, maybe," I said. "I'm sorry. That was insensitive. I shouldn't have said that. But, come on, this shit always has consequences."
    "Don't swear in front of the kids!"
    "This stuff always has consequences. You're acting all surprised, like you didn't think anything would happen."
    "I didn't think he'd bite Becky!"
    "That cat bit people when he was normal!"
    "Not unprovoked!"
    "I'm not trying to start an argument. All I'm saying is that when you bring a cat back from the dead, it's kind of foolish to get all bent out of shape when he bites somebody. That's all."
    Even though I was sort of taking his side, Tipsy took that moment to jump at my leg, hissing and scratching. I cursed ("damn" was okay in front of the children) and tried to kick him off, but the cat's zombie claws remained stuck in my pajama leg.
    Abigail grabbed him by the tail and flung him across the room. The cat struck the wall, dropped to the floor, and stopped moving.
    My wife, daughter, and son all simultaneously burst into tears.
    "I can't believe I did that!" Abigail wailed, rushing over to where the dead cat lay. "I'm a monster!"
    "He was trying to kill me," I said, which was an obvious exaggeration but which I hoped would make her feel better.
    Abigail picked up the cat, whose backbone was now extremely flexible even by feline standards, and sobbed.
    "We can't leave him like this," she said.
    "We sure as hell can."
    Abigail shook her head. "I can't be the one to have murdered him. I can't let him be dead with that on my conscience."
    "Oh, so, it's okay for me to have killed him?"
    "You took him to be euthanized! You didn't throw him against a wall!"
    She did have a point. "I'm not burying him in the pet cemetery again," I said. "Let's just leave the poor cat in peace."
    Abigail held his floppy body out toward me. "You call this peace?"
    "More peaceful than being one of the living dead, yeah!"
    "Fine. Whatever. I'll do it." She stormed out of the bedroom with the dead cat.
    I followed. "Honey, no, let's just bury him in the backyard and be done with it."
    " I want my Tipsy back! "
    So, yeah, I buried the cat again. I almost considered not doing it, and just burying the cat someplace else, but I figured I'd probably get busted.
    Tipsy did not return in the morning.
    "Tipsy!" Abigail called, standing on our front porch. "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!" She looked back at me. "Where is he?"
    "He's broken. Maybe it's taking longer."
    "What if he can't get out of the hole?"
    I almost tried to reassure her that Tipsy could get out of the hole, but I knew that no matter what I said, this scenario was going to play out with me driving to the pet cemetery and digging up that damn cat. I finished my cup of coffee, put on my jacket and boots, and headed off.
    Tipsy's grave was just as I'd left it. When I dug him up, I saw why.
    I handed my iPhone to Abigail and showed her the picture I'd taken. "He's pretty much just ooze now."
    "Was the ooze moving?"
    "Well, yes, but —"
    "Then you have to bring him back here! You can't just leave him in a grave like that! What a horrible fate!"
    "Honey, you can barely even tell he's a cat