Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States Read Free Page A

October 8, they came to an island, where Columbus and a convenient interpreter waded ashore and had the following historic conversation with a local tribal chief:
    COLUMBUS: You guys are Indians, right? TRIBAL CHIEF: Kham anonoda jawe. (“No. We came over from Asia about twenty
    thousand years ago via the Land Bridge.”) COLUMBUs: Listen, we have spent many weeks looking for India in these three
    storm-tossed, vomit-encrusted ships, and we have cannons pointing at your
    wigwams, and we say you are Indians. TRIBAL CHIEF: B’nomi kawa saki! (“Welcome to India!”)
    Thus the white men and the Native Americans were able, through the spirit of goodwill and compromise, to reach the first in what would become a long series of mutually beneficial, breached agreements that enabled the two cultures to coexist peacefully for stretches of twenty and sometimes even thirty days, after which it was usually necessary to negotiate new agreements that would be even more mutual and beneficial, until ultimately the Native Americans were able to perceive the vast mutual benefits of living in rock-strewn sectors of South Dakota.
     
    THE AGE OF EXPLORATION
     
    When Columbus returned to Spain with the news of his discovery, everybody became very excited and decided to have an Age of Exploration. Immediately, a great many bold adventurers—Magellan, da Gama, de Soto, Chrysler, Picasso, and others—set forth on Voyages of Discovery, only to have their ships bang into each other and sink at the harbor entrance. But they boldly set out again, this time in alphabetical order, and soon they had made some important discoveries, the most important one being that what Columbus had discovered was not India at all, but America, which explained why the inhabitants were called “Native Americans.” In Mexico and South America, the Spanish also discovered highly advanced civilizations, which they wisely elected to convert into ruins for use as future tourist attractions.
     
    One of the most famous Spanish explorers was Juan Ponce de Leon (literally, “John Punched the Lion”), who came to Florida seeking the mythical Fontainebleau Hotel, where, according to legend, if you had one drink, you could have another one for half price on weekdays between 4:00 and 5:30 P.m. He never found it, but he did meet some natives who at first seemed friendly—they gave him a free meal and guided tour of the area—but who then subjected him to a vicious primitive ritual wherein they trapped him in a small room and repeatedly explained to him the benefits of “time-sharing” in a “vacation resort community” and refused to let him leave, until ultimately he was forced to take his own life.
     
    THE DECLINE OF SPAIN
     
    On October 8, 1565, Spain declined.
     
    DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
    1. There’s no IRT stop at 104th Street, is there? 2. Did you ever purchase time in a time-sharing resort? You did? Ha-ha! 3. This question is not technically related to the early Spanish explorations,
    but we are curious: In the song “luie luie,” by the Kingsmen, do you
    think they are singing dirty words? Cite examples.
    MAKE A SIMPLE COMPASS
     
    Here’s a simple experiment that you might want to try if there is absolutely nothing else going on in your life. All you need is a cork, a bar magnet, and a pail of water. Simply attach your magnet to your cork, then drop it into the water, and vola (literally, “you have a compass”)—you have a compass. How does it work? Simple. Notice that, no matter which way you turn the bucket, the cork always floats on top of the water (unless the magnet is too heavy). Using this scientific principle, early hardy mariners were able to tell at a glance whether they were sinking!

CHAPTER THREE
England Starts Some Fun Colonies
    By the sixteenth century at approximately 4:30 P.m., England was experiencing a Renaissance. This took the form of Ben Jonson and of course William Shakespeare, the immortal “Barge of Avon,” whose plays continue