Complete Works, Volume III Read Free Page B

him. It was true. I had a . . . I had an instinctive understanding of animals. I should have been a trainer. Many times I was offered the job – you know, a proper post, by the Duke of . . . I forget his name . . . one of the Dukes. But I had family obligations, my family needed me at home.
    Pause.
    The times I've watched those animals thundering past the post. What an experience. Mind you, I didn't lose, I made a few bob out of it, and you know why? Because I always had the smell of a good horse. I could smell him. And not only the colts but the fillies. Because the fillies are more highly strung than the colts, they're more unreliable, did you know that? No, what do you know? Nothing. But I was always able to tell a good filly by one particular trick. I'd look her in the eye. You see? I'd stand in front of her and look her straight in the eye, it was a kind of hypnotism, and by the look deep down in her eye I could tell whether she was a stayer or not. It was a gift. I had a gift.
    Pause.
    And he talks to me about horses.
    LENNY . Dad, do you mind if I change the subject?
    Pause.
    I want to ask you something. The dinner we had before, what was the name of it? What do you call it?
    Pause.
    Why don't you buy a dog? You're a dog cook. Honest. You think you're cooking for a lot of dogs.
    MAX . If you don't like it get out.
    LENNY. I am going out. I'm going out to buy myself a proper dinner.
    MAX . Well, get out! What are you waiting for?
    LENNY looks at him.
    LENNY. What did you say?
    MAX . I said shove off out of it, that's what I said.
    LENNY. You'll go before me, Dad, if you talk to me in that tone of voice.
    MAX . Will I, you bitch?
    MAX grips his stick.
    LENNY. Oh, Daddy, you're not going to use your stick on me, are you? Eh? Don't use your stick on me Daddy. No, please. It wasn't my fault, it was one of the others. I haven't done anything wrong, Dad, honest. Don't clout me with that stick, Dad.
    Silence.
    MAX sits hunched. LENNY reads the paper.
    SAM comes in the front door. He wears a chauffeur's uniform.
    He hangs his hat on a hook in the hall and comes into the room. He goes to a chair, sits in it and sighs.
    Hullo, Uncle Sam,
    SAM . Hullo.
    LENNY . How are you, Uncle?
    SAM . Not bad. A bit tired.
    LENNY. Tired? I bet you're tired. Where you been?
    SAM . I've been to London Airport.
    LENNY. All the way up to London Airport? What, right up the M4?
    SAM. Yes, all the way up there.
    LENNY . Tch, tch, tch. Well, I think you're entitled to be tired, Uncle.
    SAM . Well, it's the drivers.
    LENNY . I know. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the drivers.
    SAM . Knocks you out.
    Pause.
    MAX . I'm here, too, you know.
    SAM looks at him.
    I said I'm here, too. I'm sitting here.
    SAM . I know you're here.
    Pause.
    SAM. I took a Yankee out there today . . . to the Airport.
    LENNY . Oh, a Yankee, was it?
    SAM . Yes, I been with him all day. Picked him up at the Savoy at half past twelve, took him to the Caprice for his lunch. After lunch I picked him up again, took him down to a house in Eaton Square – he had to pay a visit to a friend there – and then round about tea-time I took him right the way out to the Airport.
    LENNY . Had to catch a plane there, did he?
    SAM . Yes. Look what he gave me. He gave me a box of cigars.
    SAM takes a box of cigars from his pocket.
    MAX . Come here. Let's have a look at them.
    SAM shows MAX the cigars. MAX takes one from the box, pinches it and sniffs it.
    It's a fair cigar.
    SAM . Want to try one?
    MAX and SAM light cigars.
    You know what he said to me? He told me I was the best chauffeur he'd ever had. The best one.
    MAX . From what point of view?
    SAM . Eh?
    MAX . From what point of view?
    LENNY . From the point of view of his driving, Dad, and his general sense of courtesy, I should say.
    MAX . Thought you were a good driver, did he, Sam? Well, he gave you a first-class cigar.
    SAM . Yes, he thought I was the best he'd ever had. They all say that, you know. They won't have