Choke Read Free Page B

so sweet to look at your watch and know she’ll be behind bars in half an hour.
    It’s a Cinderella story, only at midnight she turns back into a fugitive.
    It’s not that I don’t love these women. I love them just as much as you’d love a magazine centerfold, a fuck video, an adult website, and for sure, for a sexaholic that can be buckets of love. And it’s not that Nico loves me much, either.
    This isn’t so much romance as it is opportunity. You put twenty sexaholics around a table, night after night, and don’t be surprised.
    Plus the sexaholic recovery books they sell here, it’s every way you always wanted to get laid but didn’t know how. Of course, all this is to help you realize you’re a sex junkie. It’s delivered in a kind of “if you do any of the following things, you may be an alcoholic” checklist. Their helpful hints include:
    Do you cut the lining out of your bathing suit so your genitals show through?
    Do you leave your fly or blouse open and pretend to hold conversations in glass telephone booths, standing so your clothes gap open with no underwear inside?
    Do you jog without a bra or athletic supporter in order to attract sexual partners?
    My answer to all the above is,
Well, I do now!
    Plus, being a pervert here is not your fault. Compulsive sexual behavior is not about always getting your dick sucked. It’s a disease. It’s a physical addiction just waiting for the
Diagnostic Statistical Manual
to give it a code of its own so treatment can be billed to medical insurance.
    The story is even Bill Wilson, a founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, couldn’t overcome the sex monkey on his back, and spent his sober life cheating on his wife and filled with guilt.
    The story is that sex addicts become dependent on a body chemistry created by constant sex. Orgasms flood the bodywith endorphins that kill pain and tranquilize you. Sex addicts are really addicted to the endorphins, not the sex. Sex addicts have lower natural levels of monoamine oxidase. Sex addicts really crave the peptide phenylethylamine that might be triggered by danger, by infatuation, by risk and fear.
    For a sex addict, your tits, your dick, your clit or tongue or asshole is a shot of heroin, always there, always ready to use. Nico and I love each other as much as any junkie loves his fix.
    Nico bears down hard, bucking my dog against the front wall of her insides, using two wet fingers on herself.
    I say, “What if that cleaning woman walks in?”
    And Nico stirs me around inside herself, saying, “Oh yeah. That would be so hot.”
    Me, I can’t help imagining what kind of a big shining butt print we’re going to polish into the waxed tile. A row of sinks look down. Fluorescent lights flicker, and reflected in the chrome pipes under each sink you can see Nico’s throat is one long straight tube, her head thrown back, eyes closed, her breath panting out at the ceiling. Her big flower-print breasts. Her tongue hangs off to one side. The juice coming off her is scalding hot.
    To keep from triggering I say, “What all did you tell your folks about us?”
    And Nico says, “They want to meet you.”
    I think about the perfect thing to say next, but it doesn’t really matter. You can say anything here. Enemas, orgies, animals, admit to any obscenity, and nobody is ever surprised.
    In Room 234, everybody compares war stories. Everybody takes their turn. That’s the first part of the meeting, the check-in part.
    After that they’ll read the readings, the prayer things, they’ll discuss the topic for the night. They’ll each work on one of the twelve steps. The first step is to admit you’re powerless. You havean addiction, and you can’t stop. The first step is to tell your story, all the worst parts. Your lowest lows.
    The problem with sex is the same as with any addiction. You’re always recovering. You’re always backsliding. Acting out. Until you find something to fight for, you settle for something to fight against.