Charlie Bumpers vs. the Perfect Little Turkey Read Free Page A

out!” I yelled.
    “Touchy, touchy, touchy!” he said, disappearing down the hall.
    Now I
really
didn’t want to write the definition! And I especially didn’t want to write about Matt and the Squid. So finally I scribbled down one sentence: “Family is a bunch of people you have to live with and share with even when you don’t want to.”
    Then I stomped into the bathroom I have toshare with Matt and Mabel and slammed the door so no one would bug me.
    “Whoever did that, no slamming!” my dad called up the stairs.
    GRRRRR! I looked in the mirror and practiced the Buck Meson electron stare. You could always tell when he was going to give it, because his head made little circles like he was focusing. Then his eyes spun for just a second, and there was a flash of green before they shot out really bright beams of light.
    If I had really done it while I was staring in the mirror, I probably would have fried my own brains.
    When I had finished brushing my teeth, I turned the doorknob, but nothing happened. I tried again.I heard a clunk on the other side of the door. It was the knob falling on the floor.

    I turned the knob on my side again, and it came off in my hand. This wasn’t the first time this stupid old door wouldn’t open. Dad kept saying he was going to fix it, but never got around to it.
    “Help!” I shouted, pounding on the door. “I’m stuck in the bathroom! Help!”
    Nobody came.
    “Help!” I yelled even louder.
    Finally I heard someone coming down the hallway.
    “Is that you, Charlie?” It was the Squid.
    “Yes, it’s me. The doorknob fell off again. Can you put it back on?”
    “Okay,” she said. But then I heard some more footsteps.
    “What’s going on?” Matt said.
    “Charlie’s in the bathroom,” Mabel explained. “I’m looking for the doorknob.”
    “Here it is,” he said. But he didn’t open the door. “Hey, Charlie. Why’d you shut the door? You know you shouldn’t close it all the way.”
    “I didn’t want you guys to bug me. Please just open it.”
    “Are you still mad?” the Squid asked.
    “Yes. Now please open the door.”
    “We’ll open it when you’re not mad.” I could tell Matt was completely enjoying himself.
    “No, Matt. We have to open it,” the Squid said. “I don’t want him to be mad forever.”
    I heard them messing around with the knob and then the door opened. They were both standing there grinning at me. I walked right past them to my room.
    “You didn’t even say thank you, and I was almost asleep when you yelled,” the Squid said.
    “Thanks for nothing,” I growled.
    “Grouch monster!” the Squid yelled.
    “Bozo!” I yelled back.
    I turned off my light and got into bed. I didn’t even read, which I almost always do since it calms me down. I waited for my dad to come in and say good night so he could see how mad I was. But I guess I fell asleep before he got there.
    Boogers.

5
A Special Assignment
    “Who would like to read their definition of family?” Mrs. Burke asked the next day in class. A bunch of hands went up.
    Not mine.
    “Trevor,” Mrs. Burke said. “Why don’t you share yours with the class?”
    Trevor David walked to the front of the room and started to read. “A family is my mom and dad and my brother Lewis and my Aunt Chloe and Uncle Drew and Aunt Melissa and my four grandparents—Grandma Celia, Granddad Herbert …” He just kept going. Forever. After a while, it got pretty funny, but Mrs. Burke let him read the whole thing.
    Then other kids read their definitions.
    The last line of Alexandra Burnett’s definition was “Family is anyone you’re related to.”
    “What does it mean to be related?” Mrs. Burke asked the class.
    Samantha Grunsky’s hand shot up like a rocket. Of course.
    Mrs. Burke nodded at her.
    “‘Related’ means you have some of their genes,” Samantha said proudly.
    “Blue jeans?” Sam Marchand asked.
    Everyone cracked up.
    Mrs. Burke told everyone to pipe down and called on