Broken Read Free Page B

married a year when he was horribly murdered before my eyes.  No amount of talking could ever erase that memory.  I look up from my cup and see my mom wiping her eyes.  She looks small and tired, and I know I’m the reason for all of that.  I force a smile and pat her hand.
     
    “Mom, I don’t want you to worry about me anymore.  I’m going to be just fine, I promise.  I’m going to talk to Dr. Collins about it and see how that goes.  Ok?”  She looks at me with hopeful eyes, and I know my lie worked. 
     
    “Ok, good.  Now why don’t I go buy you some groceries as my housewarming gift?”  God, she knows me so well, and in that moment I love her even more for the simple fact that she didn’t ask me to go with. 
     
    “If that’s what you want, then by all means.”  Her smile grows bigger and I watch her busy herself with the shopping list.  I clean up the coffee mugs and excuse myself to take a shower.  By the time I return, she’s already gone and the house feels safe once again.
    The next few days go by pretty uneventful, me writing, Mom calling and checking up on me, Dr. Collins trying to figure out a way to make me open up some more.  I feel so much better for whatever reason, but I still try to hide in my writing cave as much as I can.  Avoiding the outside world is the only way I feel safe, far away from the questioning eyes that seem to follow me everywhere. 
     
    Friday night I order Chinese takeout and rent a movie on Netflix. It has been a long time since I allowed myself such worldly pleasures, but I try not to make a big deal out of it. I know it would make Dr. Collins happy just as it made my mom happy when she called earlier to find out what my plans for the evening were. 
     
    As expected, I can’t concentrate on the movie, it doesn’t appeal to me, and I barely touch the food.  Nothing feels right without Sam.  I store the takeout boxes in the fridge and after I’m sure all doors are locked, I go to bed.  I don’t wear Sam’s shirt tonight, instead I use it as a pillowcase.  I can still smell his aftershave as I hold the pillow close to my face.  Or maybe it’s just a figment of my imagination.  Whatever it is, it gives me comfort and I need that more than ever.
     
    “Babe I want to believe you are still here somewhere and that you can hear me.  I have to believe that.  Do you miss me as much as I do you?  Do you think of me every minute of the day the way I think of you?  I miss you so much it hurts. I miss your touch and your love.  I miss YOU.” The tears are getting the pillow wet, and I jump away from it.  Getting it wet would make the smell disappear.  I fall asleep thinking of him, of his hands touching me all over, of his mouth kissing every inch of my body. 

Chapter 3
     
    Saturday morning I wake up feeling better than ever.  I slept all through the night and for a change the dreams did not haunt me the way they usually did.  Thank you, Sam , I whisper.  Thank you for sleeping with me, baby.
    While the coffee is brewing, I look out the kitchen window and notice commotion outside.  The cul-de-sac has been transformed into a fairground.  There are long tables lining one side of the street covered in bright red tablecloths, two big jumpers on the other side, and a couple of barbeques are already fired up judging by the smoke flying toward the sky.  The block party!  The second I register what’s happening, I jump from the window and pray that no one has seen me.  I fill the largest cup I have with coffee and move slowly toward my office. 
    No one can see me there as all the windows are covered. I’m half-way through a chapter when the doorbell rings.  I swear under my breath and pretend I don’t hear it.  I have a feeling it’s that pesky neighbor that just doesn’t get that I don’t want to be neighborly.
    I type away; annoyance making me hit the keyboard harder than necessary, and the stupid bell rings again.  He just won’t go