Born in Shame Read Free Page A

loved him, and I’d never been so happy as when hewas with me. Never once did he make promises. Dreams we had, but there were no promises between us. He was bound to his wife who had no love for him, and to the children he adored.”
    She moistened her dry lips, took another sip from the straw when Shannon wordlessly offered the glass. Amanda paused again, for it would be harder now.
    â€œI knew what I was doing, Shannon, indeed it was more my doing than his when we became lovers. He was the first man to touch me, and when he did, at last, it was with such gentleness, such care, such love, that we wept together afterward. For we knew we’d found each other too late, and it was hopeless.
    â€œStill we made foolish plans. He would find a way to leave his wife provided for and bring his daughters to me in America where we’d be a family. The man desperately wanted family, as I did. We’d talk together in that room overlooking the river and pretend that it was forever. We had three weeks, and every day was more wonderful than the last, and more wrenching. I had to leave him, and Ireland. He told me he would stand at Loop Head, where we’d met, and look out over the sea to New York, to me.
    â€œHis name was Thomas Concannon, a farmer who wanted to be a poet.”
    â€œDid you . . .” Shannon’s voice was rusty and unsteady. “Did you ever see him again?”
    â€œNo. I wrote him for a time, and he answered.” Pressing her lips together, Amanda stared into her daughter’s eyes. “Soon after I returned to New York, I learned I was carrying his child.”
    Shannon shook her head quickly, the denial instinctive, the fear huge. “Pregnant?” Her heart began to beat thick and fast. She shook her head again and tried todraw her hand away. For she knew, without another word being said, she knew. And refused to know. “No.”
    â€œI was thrilled.” Amanda’s grip tightened, though it cost her. “From the first moment I was sure, I was thrilled. I never thought I would have a child, that I would find someone who loved me enough to give me that gift. Oh, I wanted that child, loved it, thanked God for it. What sadness and grief I had came from knowing I would never be able to share with Tommy the beauty that had come from our loving each other. His letter to me after I’d written him of it was frantic. He would have left his home and come to me. He was afraid for me, and what I was facing alone. I knew he would have come, and it tempted me. But it was wrong, Shannon, as loving him was never wrong. So I wrote him a last time, lied to him for the first time, and told him I wasn’t afraid, nor alone, and that I was going away.”
    â€œYou’re tired.” Shannon was desperate to stop the words. Her world was tilting, and she had to fight to right it again. “You’ve talked too long. It’s time for your medicine.”
    â€œHe would have loved you,” Amanda said fiercely. “If he’d had the chance. In my heart I know he loved you without ever laying eyes on you.”
    â€œStop.” She did rise then, pulling away, pushing back. There was a sickness rising inside her, and her skin felt so cold and thin. “I don’t want to hear this. I don’t need to hear this.”
    â€œYou do. I’m sorry for the pain it causes you, but you need to know it all. I did leave,” she went on quickly. “My family was shocked, furious when I told them I was pregnant. They wanted me to go away, give you up, quietly, discreetly, so that there would be no scandal and shame. I would have died before giving you up. You were mine, and you were Tommy’s. There were horriblewords in that house, threats, utimatums. They disowned me, and my father, being a clever man of business, blocked my bank account so that I had no claim on the money that had been left to me by my grandmother. Money was never a game