was strolling along the sidewalk, smiling as Nick’s nephews and nieces ran up and down the street pointing at lit-up cartoon characters and animals, that I first felt him.
I stiffened, biting my lip even before he spoke.
Miri... His voice was soft, almost a caress. Miri... please talk to me... please...
I felt my jaw clench, although I couldn’t pinpoint the emotion there exactly. It wasn’t that cold out, especially since we’d been climbing up and down hills for the past forty minutes, pausing now and then to get our breath on the steep sidewalks. Even so, I pulled my coat around me tighter, shoving my hands deeper in my pockets.
Miri, please... please talk to me... I’ll do anything...
I felt that pain starting in my chest, the same one I couldn’t breathe through the day he left.
Miri, I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to.
But you did, I sent, before I knew I meant to.
I’ll explain everything when I get back. I didn’t have any choice. You have to believe me...
I shook my head, but I couldn’t decide what I meant by that either. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe him, not exactly. Maybe some part of me was just telling him to go away.
I miss you, he sent, softer. I miss you so much.
I swallowed, glancing over at where Nick stood with his nephews, staring up at a house with so many lit decorations across the front, it looked like something from a movie set.
You haven’t missed me as much lately, I sent drily.
Silence. I could almost feel the intensity behind it that time.
Realizing I was jabbing at him deliberately, I sighed.
Merry Christmas, Black, I sent, softer.
Can you... get away from him? His voice sounded openly frustrated, even inside my mind. Can we be alone for a little while, Miri? Please? Gods, I need to be alone with you...
Why? I sent. You’re not here. We wouldn’t really be alone anyway.
The frustration I felt on him grew more intense.
I could feel him trying to restrain it, just like I could feel him doing everything in his power not to ask me about Nick.
I’m not sleeping with Nick, Black, I told him finally.
He didn’t answer. I felt the heat there though, intensely enough that I was having trouble thinking past it. Anger wasn’t the right word. Fear wasn’t either... or even jealousy. Shaking my head when I felt him restraining himself from answering, I exhaled.
You’re being ridiculous, I told him.
He didn’t answer that time, either. His presence flooded into me though, nearly making me lose sight of the street around me as I walked. It confused me, brought that pain back to my chest, then another irrational flush of anger.
We both know your bed hasn’t exactly been empty since you left, I retorted, still trying to get a reaction out of him. Or were you about to lie to me about that too, Black?
The silence deepened.
Then he sounded openly surprised. Maybe even hurt.
Why would you say that to me, Miri?
“Why the hell do you think?” I snapped, speaking aloud.
Nick’s mother turned, giving me a startled look.
I bit my tongue, shoving my hands deeper in my pockets as I sped up my pace.
I didn’t bother to answer her questioning look.
Even so, I felt myself flush, and not only because I’d been acting like a crazy person in the middle of their holiday stroll through Christmas lights and neatly manicured front yards. I didn’t want to talk to Black, but I couldn’t seem to make myself want to shove him away, either.
I didn’t want him to see me acting like a crazy person, either.
I didn’t want to have to explain to him why I didn’t want to talk to him, or why I did want to talk to him, or why I cared, or why I couldn’t even come up with coherent words to explain any of how I felt to him, or why I so badly wanted to yell at him right now. I didn’t want to talk to him about why my stomach hurt just from hearing his voice, or why I felt so fucking abandoned when he walked out that day and acted like it was no big deal to leave
I stiffened, biting my lip even before he spoke.
Miri... His voice was soft, almost a caress. Miri... please talk to me... please...
I felt my jaw clench, although I couldn’t pinpoint the emotion there exactly. It wasn’t that cold out, especially since we’d been climbing up and down hills for the past forty minutes, pausing now and then to get our breath on the steep sidewalks. Even so, I pulled my coat around me tighter, shoving my hands deeper in my pockets.
Miri, please... please talk to me... I’ll do anything...
I felt that pain starting in my chest, the same one I couldn’t breathe through the day he left.
Miri, I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to.
But you did, I sent, before I knew I meant to.
I’ll explain everything when I get back. I didn’t have any choice. You have to believe me...
I shook my head, but I couldn’t decide what I meant by that either. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe him, not exactly. Maybe some part of me was just telling him to go away.
I miss you, he sent, softer. I miss you so much.
I swallowed, glancing over at where Nick stood with his nephews, staring up at a house with so many lit decorations across the front, it looked like something from a movie set.
You haven’t missed me as much lately, I sent drily.
Silence. I could almost feel the intensity behind it that time.
Realizing I was jabbing at him deliberately, I sighed.
Merry Christmas, Black, I sent, softer.
Can you... get away from him? His voice sounded openly frustrated, even inside my mind. Can we be alone for a little while, Miri? Please? Gods, I need to be alone with you...
Why? I sent. You’re not here. We wouldn’t really be alone anyway.
The frustration I felt on him grew more intense.
I could feel him trying to restrain it, just like I could feel him doing everything in his power not to ask me about Nick.
I’m not sleeping with Nick, Black, I told him finally.
He didn’t answer. I felt the heat there though, intensely enough that I was having trouble thinking past it. Anger wasn’t the right word. Fear wasn’t either... or even jealousy. Shaking my head when I felt him restraining himself from answering, I exhaled.
You’re being ridiculous, I told him.
He didn’t answer that time, either. His presence flooded into me though, nearly making me lose sight of the street around me as I walked. It confused me, brought that pain back to my chest, then another irrational flush of anger.
We both know your bed hasn’t exactly been empty since you left, I retorted, still trying to get a reaction out of him. Or were you about to lie to me about that too, Black?
The silence deepened.
Then he sounded openly surprised. Maybe even hurt.
Why would you say that to me, Miri?
“Why the hell do you think?” I snapped, speaking aloud.
Nick’s mother turned, giving me a startled look.
I bit my tongue, shoving my hands deeper in my pockets as I sped up my pace.
I didn’t bother to answer her questioning look.
Even so, I felt myself flush, and not only because I’d been acting like a crazy person in the middle of their holiday stroll through Christmas lights and neatly manicured front yards. I didn’t want to talk to Black, but I couldn’t seem to make myself want to shove him away, either.
I didn’t want him to see me acting like a crazy person, either.
I didn’t want to have to explain to him why I didn’t want to talk to him, or why I did want to talk to him, or why I cared, or why I couldn’t even come up with coherent words to explain any of how I felt to him, or why I so badly wanted to yell at him right now. I didn’t want to talk to him about why my stomach hurt just from hearing his voice, or why I felt so fucking abandoned when he walked out that day and acted like it was no big deal to leave