happen to change anything now.
Allison did look very nervous sneaking in here, but, like last night, she looked very sad, too, sad for both of us. She stood there staring at me.
âWhat is it, Allison? I thought we said our good-byes last night.â
âI know, but I remembered something. My father gave me this pen the last time I saw him,â she said, holding up a silver pen. âHe said it was a special pen, one of the ones the astronauts used in space. You could write upside down or sideways with it, everything. I wanted to give it to you to use.â She stepped forward to hand it to me.
âYou want to give it to me? Why? Do you think Iâll be upside down or sideways?â
âNo,â she said, smiling. âItâs just a very special pen.â
I looked at it. On the surface, it didnât look like anything terribly unusual, but I did make out the word NASA .
âPlease take it,â she said, waving it. She looked like she would cry if I didnât.
âYour father gave it to you? Are you sure you want to give it to me?â
âYes.â
âWhy?â
âThe words youâll write with it will be better than the words Iâll write.â
The way she said the obvious truth, with no self-deprecation or self-pity, made me laugh. In some ways, Allison was already head and shoulders above her mother.
I took the pen.
âOkay. Thanks. Who knows, maybe I will hang from my feet in my closet when I do my homework up there. Some people think Iâm a vampire.â
She smiled. âNo, youâre not. No one thinks that. Youâre too pretty to be a vampire.â
âPretty?â I glanced at myself in the mirror. I didnât feel especially pretty today. I thought my face was pale, my eyes dull and dim, and my hair unkempt. If anything, I looked more like some homeless girl wondering what in the world had happened that she should find herself so lost and alone.
âThatâs a nice color on you, too, turquoise. Remember? I made my mother buy me the same blouse, but it didnât look as good on me as it does on you.â
âIt will,â I said. âYouâre going to have a nice figure, Allison.â As hard as it was for me to say it, I added, âAs nice as your motherâs.â What was true was true. Julie was physically attractive. If only she could be kept under glass like a wax figure, I thought, and not bother or hurt anyone else.
Allison smiled again. âOkay, see you when you come home for the holidays.â She started to turn to leave.
âWe donât get holidays,â I said.
âReally?â
âI donât know. Things are very different there. Iâll let you know.â
âWill you? Really? I mean, let me know and not my mother first?â
âSheâll know, even though the moment I leave, sheâll have a moat built.â
âA what?â
âForget it. Okay. Like I said last night, Iâll send you an email or text you.â
âI know you said it, but will you really?â
âYou sure you want me to do it, Allison? You know youâll have to keep it secret from you-know-whom.â
âIâm sure. Please, send me emails. My mother doesnât know how to use a computer.â
I stared at her with a hard look. She knew why.
âIâll keep this secret. I swear,â she said in a deep whisper, with her hand over her heart, and then turned and went to the door, checking first to be sure her mother didnât know she had come in to see me. She looked back, smiled, and then hurried away.
I put the pen into my bag.
My fatherâs wife was in her glory, my father was in a deep depression, and my stepsister was terrified of breathing the same air I breathed.
How would I go about explaining all of this to anyone if I had trouble explaining it to myself? I thought I should write it down so I could study it all exactly the way I would