Bill 3 - on the Planet of Bottled Brains Read Free Page B

do?”
    “Let's draw for it,” Bill said. “Or you pick a volunteer at random from all the men in the base.”
    “That would satisfy you?”
    “Yes, it would.”
    “OK, here goes.” The computer's vision screen lit up in a jagged lightning bolt of conflicting colors. Names flashed by on the screen. There was a sound like a roulette ball rolling around a croupier's wheel.
    “OK,” the computer said. “We got a winner.”
    “Fine,” Bill said. “Can I go now?”
    “Sure. Good luck, soldier.”
    Bill opened the door. Outside there were two extremely large and beetle-jawed MPs. They took Bill by either arm.
    “As you may have gathered,” the computer said, “you won the second drawing, too.”
    Not long after that, a large trooper with a small claw at the end of one foot, could be seen struggling in the arms of two MPs. The trooper was brought to a reviewing stand where several generals were standing, waiting for something to review.
    Bill opened up his mouth to scream. One of the MP's drove his elbow into Bill's kidneys.
    The other MP went for the liver.
    When Bill recovered consciousness a few seconds later, in response to having his nose tweaked violently, the first MP leaned over him and said, “Look, buddy, you're going on that ship. The only question is, do you go on in one piece or do we cripple you first so you won't make a scene in front of the brass?”
    “They hate scenes,” the second MP said. “We do, too.”
    “They blame us when the volunteers make a fuss,” the first MP said.
    “Maybe we should just cripple him and not take any chances,” the first MP said.
    “Maybe we could just fracture his voice box.”
    “No, he could still make obscene gestures.”
    “I guess you're right.” Both MPs paused to roll up their sleeves.
    “Don't bother,” Bill said. “Just put me aboard the ship.”
    “First you got to go up to the reviewing stand and shake the generals' hands and tell them how glad you was to volunteer.”
    “Let's get it over with,” Bill said.
    The drone ship was small, about the size of a launch, built of cheap plastic and aluminized cardboard since it was not expected to return. One of the MPs pulled open the main hatchway and growled in anger as the handle came off in his hand.
    “Never mind that,” the other MP said. “The inner parts still work all right.”
    “Why don't they build them better?” Bill whined, then shrieked with pain. He was being carried in a crunched and uncomfortable manner by the two MPs.
    “Why should they bother?” the first MP said. “These ships are specially constructed for one-way trips to only the most dangerous places.”
    “You mean I'm not expected to return?” Bill whimpered, wallowing in self-pity.
    “I don't mean anything of the sort! Well, maybe. Anyhow, the real crafty advantage of sending a volunteer, is that, if you should not return, as is confidently expected, the military will probably send a fully-fledged expeditionary force to Tsuris, even declare war as they sincerely want to.”
    “You said probably?”
    “It has to be probably, since the military can always change its teeny-tiny mind. But that's what will probably happen.”
    “Yipe!” Bill yiped. “What the bowb are you doing with my ear?”
    “I'm fastening a translating device to your ear, so if you find any Tsurisians on Tsuris you can talk to them.”
    “Tsuris! The place nobody ever comes back from?”
    “You catch on fast. That's the whole point of the operation. Your non-return will give us the excuse to invade.”
    “I don't think I like this.”
    “You don't have to like it, trooper. Just follow orders and shut up.”
    “I refuse! Cancel the orders!”
    “Shut up.” They wrestled Bill into the ship and strapped him into the pilot's command chair. It was beautifully padded and comfortable. Bill was not. He opened his mouth to protest again and the neck of an open bottle was shoved into it. He gurgled and gasped.
    “What...was