Banana Hammock Read Free Page B

reason?” Other than the fact that your kid looks like an albino warthog who has been snacking on an air compressor?
    “No. The application says they reserve the right to deny admittance at their discretion, and still keep the fee.”
    “How much was the fee?”
    “Ten thousand dollars.”
    Ouch. You could rent a lot of naughty videos for that kind of money. And you’d need to, because those things get boring after the third or fourth viewing.
    “So what’s the deal? You want me to shake the guy down for the money.”
    He shook his head. “Nothing of the sort. I’m not a violent man.”
    “Spell it out, Mr. Morribund. What exactly do you want me to do? Burn down the school?”
    I liked arson.
    “Goodness, no. The Salieri School is run by a man named Michael Sousse.”
    “And you want me to kidnap his pet dog and take pictures of me throwing it off a tall building, using my zoom lens to capture its final barks of terror as it takes the express lane to Pancakeville? Because that’s where I draw the line, Mr. Morribund. I may be a thug, a thief, and an arsonist, but I won’t harm any innocent animals unless there’s a bonus involved.”
    Morribund raised an eyebrow. “You’d do that to a dog? The Internet said you love animals.”
    “I do love animals. Grilled, fried, and broiled. Or stuffed with cheese. I’d eat any animal if it had enough cheese on top. It wouldn’t even have to be dead first.”
    “Oh.”
    Morribund made a face, and I could tell he was thinking through things. I glanced again at his
Save the Dolphins tie
tack and realized I might have been a little hasty with my meat-lovers rant.
    “I had a dog once,” I said.
    “Really?”
    “Never tried to eat him. Not once.”
    I mimed crossing my heart. Morribund stared at me.
    “This all seems terribly familiar,” he said.
    “Did you read
Jack Daniels Stories
by J.A. Konrath? This was one of the many hilarious cases in that excellent collection. Only $2.99 on Nook. Do you have a Nook? All smart, attractive, successful people have Nooks. So perhaps you don’t have one.”
    “You sound like a shill for Barnes & Noble.”
    I picked up my
Leonard Riggio Rocks My World
coffee mug and took a sip of cold joe. “I don’t shill for any corporations. Even corporations as efficient, inexpensive, and customer friendly as BarnesAndNoble.com. You can get seventeen J.A. Konrath ebooks for under three bucks each. But we’re getting a bit off track here.”
    When Morribund spoke again, his voice was lower, softer.
    “Headmaster Sousse, he’s a terrible man. A hunter. Gets his jollies shooting poor little innocent animals. His office is strewn with so-called hunting trophies. It’s disgusting.”
    “Sounds awful,” I said, stifling a yawn.
    “Mr. McGlade,” he leaned in closer, giving me more tuna and bourbon. “I want you to find out something about Sousse. Something that I could use to convince him to accept our application.”
    I scratched my unshaven chin. Or maybe it was my unshaved chin. I get those words confused.
    “I understand. You want me to dig up some dirt. Something you can use to blackmail Sousse and get Rheumatism—”
    “Rosemary.”
    “—into his school. Well, you’re in luck, Mr. Morribund, because I’m very good at this kind of thing. And even if I don’t find anything incriminating in his past, I can make stuff up.”
    “What do you mean?”
    “I can take pictures of him in the shower, and then Photoshop in the Vienna Boy’s Choir washing his back. Or I can make it look like he’s pooping on the floor of the White House. Or being intimate with a camel. Or eating a nun. Or…”
    “I don’t want the sordid details, Mr. McGlade. I simply want some kind of leverage. How much will something like that cost?”
    I leaned back in my chair and put my hands behind my head, showing off my shoulder holster beneath my jacket. I always let them see the gun before I discussed my fees. It dissuaded haggling.
    “I get four