Ashes and Bones Read Free Page A

have done that at home, I thought. Brian was right to get us to take a vacation. If it had to happen anywhere…
    Brian! I thought, I had to…no, Brian was back in the room, and I couldn’t get there. Couldn’t even make a noise.
    Still, I struggled, tried to get to my feet. But I couldn’t feel them, couldn’t feel my legs under my fingers, and a wave of misery washed over me. I couldn’t get to Brian. Closer to hand, I remembered that I’d seen that flash of light, a long time ago, it seemed, and tried to recall the direction. No luck.
    Fighting it seemed silly. Futile. Now I couldn’t even hear the waves on the shore, and I would have liked that. Dying by the ocean—in advanced old age—has always been my plan, but I didn’t realize you didn’t get the whole package in death—sight and sound and smell.
    I’d settle for what I had. I relaxed. No sense fighting the inevitable.
    Everything felt very distant now, and there was so much going on with me, that there was no room for anything else. Just me and the quiet little patch of beach I was dying on.
    I kept fretting that there was something missing, something I didn’t do, but with a minor sort of revelation, I realized that I’d done pretty well for myself in my nearly thirty-five years of life. Even more than I hoped—and thenthere was Brian. We’d even made love earlier in the evening, so I felt that I’d be leaving things about as well as I could. Not a bad end, not what I’d hoped, of course, but not bad…
    There was that one thing. That one last thing that had been eating at me.
    And there was a little rush. I felt a lightness overtake me when I realized that it was no longer my responsibility. It was so far out of my hands that I felt, so far away, myself smiling. Relief, the few times I’ve experienced it fully in my life, really is miraculous.
    I stopped fighting. I felt myself drifting off. Didn’t need to close my eyes, there was so little I could see now, on the dark beach, even with the moonlight, but I did anyway. I’d pretend I was going to sleep, which was one of my favorite sensations anyway.
    Not a bad way to go, not at all.
    I felt…something. Distantly. A pulling. Something was dragging me back.
    Brian.
    “Emma, open your eyes! Emma, wake up, baby.”
    I couldn’t see anything. I could barely make out the words, the fear in his voice. I tried to say, Brian, I love you, it’s too late, it’s okay, I’m okay with this, don’t worry. The words wouldn’t come.
    Someone once said that the easiest way of parting was death. He was absolutely right.
    Brian wouldn’t stop. I found myself feeling…something. I found myself being pulled back enough to recognize…anger. If he knew what I’d have to go through, if I came back, he would never ask me to…
    “Em, come on, sugar, it’s only a dream. Wake up, okay?”
    More sensations rushing back now. Dampness, but not sand. I felt the weight return to my body, the warmth of sweaty sheets, and cold air-conditioning. The wonderful bliss left me, even as I fought to hang on to it. I had been so close.
    “It was just a dream, babe. You awake now?”
    I could hear now, and I realized, once I opened my eyes, that I could see. I was in the hotel room, Brian was next to me, rubbing his face sleepily.
    “I’m…just leave…give me a minute, would you, sweetie?” I said finally when I realized it was just a dream. I rolled over onto my knees, bunched my hands under my forehead on the pillow while I tried to recall the vanishing shreds of the dream. I was overwhelmed to find myself here. It had been so real. My heart was still pounding unbelievably.
    “Come here. It’s okay, it was just a dream,” Brian was saying. “Come over here, cuddle.”
    I backed into him, felt his arm around me, and tried to make myself relax. He nuzzled the back of my neck, and was asleep again almost instantly. Crisis identified, problem solved, sleeping the sleep of the just.
    I stared at the shadows that