Anything But Zombies Read Free Page A

concluded, Chic peeked outside again. “Not good. There’s more of them, and they’re coming our way. Get ready. If they get in, they might want to harm us.” He shrugged. “Then again, they might want something else.”
    The man on the couch sobbed louder.
Four: The Situation
    But they did not attack just yet. They formed in ranks outside as if preparing for the mother of all carnal sieges. Bill was toying with a radio he had found in the closet, now that they had all discovered that their cells and smartphones were dead. Chic was not surprised. When a Two-Hole Trina was involved, anything was possible.
    â€œWhat do you mean?” Kasey asked.
    Chic elbowed Barbara again, gave her a salacious grin. “Well, hon. Cell towers. Tall, erect structures . . . there’s no way an XXX erotic companion could refuse them. They’d keep at them until they fell.”
    â€œThink I’m getting something,” Bill said.
    They all gathered closer, their faces tight with dread. Barbara chewed her lower lip and Kasey twirled her hair. Chic cinched up his pants and the sobbing man sobbed.
    â€œÂ . . . reports have been pouring in of the most disturbing nature. Frightened and incoherent witnesses tell of mass attacks by what they describe as naked or partially clothed assailants. This is no joke, but a deadly serious affair, I’m told. Incidents are coming in from across the country. According to Civil Defense headquarters, the perpetrators appear to be living love dolls who are rising up in vast numbers and killing their owners or, in some cases, tiring them out to the point of death. The reason for this heinous and grisly uprising is as yet unknown. But sources confirm large-scale slaughters at pornographic bookstores, movie theaters, and so-called skin shops. Those who are in possession of these romantic companions should get out of their houses immediately. We await an announcement from the president of the United States, who is expected to declare a state of emergency . . .”
    Everyone sighed as there was a station break and the Chubby Cleanser jingle began to play. Barbara was beyond herself with terror. This was too much. It was a national nightmare. When would it end? Was this the form the dreaded apocalypse would take? She began to envision a horrible postapocalyptic world where men and women cowered like rats in the ruins while hordes of sex dolls haunted the streets in a veritable orgy of the damned.
    â€œNOOO!” she cried, unable to suppress her horror any longer. “NOOOOOOOOOO!”
    â€œShe’s losing it,” Kasey said.
    While the others tried to get away from her, Chic knew there was only one thing he could do. He grabbed the Johnny-Jump-and-Pump 3000 and slapped her across the face with it until she came to her senses.
    â€œI’m better now,” she said. “I guess I just kind of lost it.”
    â€œIt happens,” Bill said.
    Chic was still extending the Johnny Jump-and-Pump in her direction in case she became hysterical again.
    â€œIt’s very firm,” she said.
    â€œYou got that right,” Chic said. “The 3000 never lets you down.”
    He set it on the table while he went over to the window to survey the scene outside. Kasey grabbed it and then Barbara wrested it from her grip. They kept trying to pull it away from each other.
    â€œI’ll hold it,” Kasey said.
    â€œNo, you won’t,” Barbara told her.
    â€œOh yes, I will.”
    â€œNo, you won’t.”
    They finally agreed to share it. As Chic pointed out, it was a pretty handy item and you never knew when you were going to need it. “Just be careful,” he warned. “Keep in mind this is no girly toy, but a professional-grade masturbatory instrument. It’s not for amateurs.”
    Bill and the sobbing man could only look on in amazement at the cutting-edge technology XXX had harnessed.
    Chic studied the