Alex as Well Read Free Page B

Alex and I don’t think I love him. I know that if we had a normal child our lives would be so much better.
I want to have a Christmas where I don’t go around the shops looking for non-gender specific toys (which are totally impossible to find) and watching his face as hisopens the presents for clues as to whether his hormone balance is right. That’s not the spirit of Christmas, that’s hell.
I am so angry, and I am angry with Alex, and I don’t know how to move beyond it. I know that makes me a bad mother. It’s also unfair that my husband is rhe one that gets to move out and have a holiday from this life. I am at the end of my tether. I want to have the holiday from my life.
Heather
COMMENTS:
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Cheryl wrote:
hang in there, you are in my Prayers daily.
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Tammy wrote:
You are lucky to have your kid. The courts are letting my ex manipulate me into custody agreements I feel are unfair. I have visitation now and it’s not enough. Be thankful that you have your kid.
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Susie wrote:
Please try to not say too much to anyone of a negative nature, and definitely do not share these feelings with anyone. I know it is hard, but once you lose your custodial rights you must almost be Supernanny to regain them.
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Jess wrote:
In my opinion hate is an emotion that is needed to heal. But later down the line you may want to try to give that emotion over to God.
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Dee Dee wrote:
I hear ya. My twins were c-section and I had blood transfusions I didn’t see them for 12hrs after their birth. I really don’t have the same maternal connection with them as I do with my other children.

5
    I’M WALKING UP the street towards my house. Alex and I. Is it ok with you if we keep us separate? It makes more sense. We sound like two ordinary kids. Besties, and sometimes we get along great and other times we disagree, just like you and I are friends. Because the alternative is a little bit freaky. I know. It’s freaky for me too. I guess we’re in this together.
    Our house is Tudor-style. And it’s always the same temperature. My dad installs air conditioners, so we’ve got the best available system, usually reserved for maintaining the temperature in commercial wine warehouses, or operating theatres—that kind of thing. Our house is freezing in a constant and predictable way.
    It has a turret. It perches on the corner where the two roofs meet. The rest of the house is really badly laid out. Like, the downstairs toilet is next to the fridge, because the kitchen and the bathroom are back-to-back. There’sa wall there, but it’s still gross. Also, it’s three storeys high but the attic is useless. You have to climb up a ladder. And if you want to put anything up there you have to lift it over your head, or hold it while you’re climbing the ladder. So basically there is no furniture in the attic. It has a million shoeboxes, which sounds interesting. You could imagine a Shaun Tan book of it, couldn’t you? But it’s not that interesting. Just documents and journals and old diaries.
    Now you go, ‘Ooh, old diaries, that could be interesting,’ and I thought that too, but they’re my mother’s and they’re full of obscure lists like: Potting mix, light? Anna 10.15. Posted Cindy.
    I made that up. It’s been a few years since I have looked, and I can’t remember exactly what they say. The point is that three storeys sounds as though it’s grand, but the top floor is a million shoeboxes full of crap. Still, it’s totally worth it for the turret, even if you can only see it from the outside.
    And there’s a lesson in that for all of us, Alex says, doing his best TV evangelist impersonation. I suppose he means that I have an inner turret somewhere compartmentalising all my crap and I’m badly laid out downstairs.
    There’s no front garden. The house is right on the street. It’s on a corner block. There is an oak out the front on the kerb. It looks as if it’s been there since the beginning of time. I can imagine it