Afterthoughts: A Charity McAdams Novella (The Charity McAdams Novellas) Read Free Page A

make sense of anything.
    I wo nder if this is the end, if we’ re breaking up. Or maybe we can just say goodnight and start up tomorrow a nd forget about the entire thing . Which outcome would I prefer, if given the choice? I honestly have no idea. I don’t want to lose James but I’m not sure how to recover fro m this situation either.
    If nothing else, this whole evening has revealed that we are both in very different places. And that we want different things.
    What is he even thinking right now? I wonder , as I study his profile.
    He is focused on the road and his hands look tight on the steering wheel, although he kind of always drives like that. He’ s not what you would call a casual Sunday driver . He’ s always at attention and…tense.
    Curiosity ev entually gets the best of me, I take a deep breath and begin to formulate my question. “James, I--”
    “What would be so wrong wit h getting married?” James interrupts, turning to look at me briefly. His eyes are narrowed and intense . I close my mouth. “If that had been what I was going to ask you tonight? Why would that have been such a fiasco that you would feel the need to run for your life out into the freezing cold? If I hadn’t come outside at that moment, what were you going to do? Were you going to catch a cab and never speak to me again? Does our relationship really mean so little to you that you would throw it away because of a miscommunication?”
    “No, that’s not it. J ames, I really do care about you . You have to believe me. I just think it’s too soon to be talking about marriage.”
    Or cohabitation for that matter , but I am so not going to bring that up right now .
    “ T hat ’s bul lshit!” James explodes . I jump back in surprise. He has never raised his voice at me in all the time we spent together, not that I had ever really give n him a reason but still…it seems out of character for him.
    I open my mouth and try to think of something to say.
    “I’m sorry, Charity, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you, ” he apologizes , almost instantly. “I just don’t know what’ s going on right now. I’m not proposing at this moment, but I guess I didn’t realize that the very idea was so farfetched th at you would react like that. I t’s not too soon. We have been to gether for nine months and we’ ve been really happy. At least I thought we were .”
    He pauses and I try to offer a smile of agreement, although I feel like it comes out as a grimace.
    “ We see each other practically every other day and, before today, never seemed to have any real disagreements. So, please, just tell me what you’ re really thinking. Why wouldn’t you marry me?”
    “You’re not even asking me to marry you , so why does it matter?” I say , stalling for time to try and think of an answer.
    His eyes are steely. “Please answer me, I have to know.”
    I sigh . “There are some things I haven’t told you yet. About my past. I was engaged, once before, and it didn’t work out. He broke it off after the rehearsal dinner. We had to cancel everything and it was a big mess. It seemed to drag out forever because gossip like that takes a long time to die down in a small town. It seemed like everywhere I went people were talking about me. And then, just when I thought the nightmare had finally ended and I could move on with my life, his first movie came out and the gossip started all ov er again. I feel like I have lived in the shadow of that scandal for the past three years and I know that when I do get e ngaged again it w ill probably all come back and I don’t know i f I can deal with all that . So , I want to be sure, and as much as I care about you, I’ m scared and I don’t want to make another mistake like that. I hope you understand.”
    “ Wait, movie ? W hat do you mean his movie ? Who were you engaged to?”
    “Brandon Hart, ” I confess, feeling a sting at the sound of his name echoing in the emptiness of the car.
    James