A Spy in the House of Love Read Free Page B

invention to Alan
was always followed not by any direct knowledge of this shame, but by a
substitution: almost as soon as she had talked, she felt as if her dress had
faded, her eyes dimmed, she felt unlovely, unlovable, not beautiful enough, not
of a quality deserving to be loved.
    Why am I loved by him? Will he continue to
love me? His love is for something I am not. I am not beautiful enough, I am
not good, I am not good for him, he should not love me, I do not deserve it,
shame shame shame for not
being beautiful enough, there are other women so much more beautiful, with
radiant faces and clear eyes. Alan says my eyes are beautiful, but I cannot see
them, to me they are lying eyes, my mouth lies, only a few hours ago it was
kissed by another… He is kissing the mouth kissed by another, he is kissing
eyes which adored another…shame…shame…shame…the lies, the lies… The clothes he
is hanging up for me with such care were caressed and crushed by another, the
other was so impatient he crushed and tore at my dress. I had no time to
undress. It is this dress he is hanging up lovingly… Can I forget yesterday,
forget the vertigo, this wildness, can I come home and stay home? Sometimes I
cannot bear the quick changes of scene, the quick transitions, I cannot make
the changes smoothly, from one relationship to another. Some parts of me tear
off like a fragment, fly here and there. I lose vital parts of myself, some
part of me stays in that hotel room, a part of me is walking away from this
place of haven, a part of me is following another as he walks down the street
alone, or perhaps not alone: someone may take my place at his side while I am
here, that will be my punishment, and someone will take my place here when I
leave. I feel guilty for leaving each one alone, I feel responsible for their
being alone, and I feel guilty twice over, towards both men. Wherever I am, I
am in many pieces, not daring to bring them all together, anymore than I would
dare to bring the two men together. Now I am here where I will not be hurt, for
a few days at least I will not be hurt in any way, by any word or gesture…but I
am not all of me here, only half of me is being sheltered. Well, Sabina, you
failed as an actress. You rejected the discipline, the routine, the monotony,
the repetitions, any sustained effort, and now you have a role which must be
changed every day, to protect one human being from sorrow. Wash your lying eyes
and lying face, wear the clothes which stayed in the house, which are his,
baptized by his hands, play the role of a whole woman, at least you have always
wished to be that, it is not altogether a lie…
    Alan never understood her eagerness to take a
bath, her immediate need to change her clothes, to wash off the old make up.
    The pain of dislocation and division abated,
the shame dissolved as Sabina passed into Alan’s mood of contentment.
    At this moment she feels impelled by a force
outside of herself to be the woman he demands, desires, and creates. Whatever
he says of her, about her, she will fulfill. She no longer feels responsibility
for what she has been. There is a modification of her face and body, of her
attitudes and her voice. She has become the woman Alan loves.
    The feelings which flow through her and which
carry her along are of love, protection, devotion. These feelings create a
powerful current on which she floats. Because of their strength they have
engulfed all her doubts, as in the case of fanatic devotions to a country, a
science, an art, when all minor crimes are absolved by the unquestioned value
of the aim.
    A light like a small diamond facet appeared in
her eyes, fixed in a narrower precision on her intent. At other times her
pupils were dilated, and did not seem to focus on the present, but now their
diamond precision was at work on this laborious weaving of life-giving, lies,
and it gave them a clarity which was even more transparent than that of truth.
    Sabina wants to be the woman