A Midsummer Night's Dream Read Free Page B

himself with a sword. However, both producer and cast wish to make it clear that they deeply deplore the use of weapons against human beings in all circumstances. The swordplay you will witness is for dramatic effect only, and on no account should anybody interpret it as a glorification of terrorism: nor should anybody try it at home
.’
    Quince nodded. ‘That ought to do it.’ He frowned. What’s up
now
, Snout?’
    â€˜The lion, Quince. Protected species, you know, lions. They only attack humans if they’re cornered, and here we are slandering ’em by pretending they constitute a threat. Won’t play well with the conservation lobby, I can tell you that.’
    â€˜Another prologue,’ suggested Bottom, ‘to be spoken by Snug himself. It could go like this:
For the purpose of the play, we intend to portray the lion as a fearsome beast. In reality
,
each one of us is acutely aware of the plight of lions in the wild, and a percentage of the proceeds of tonight’s performance will be donated to the World Wildlife Fund. In addition, we wish to assure our patrons that no animal will be harmed in the staging of this play
.’
    Quince nodded. ‘OK, we’ll include both prologues, but there are a couple of other snags. One is finding a way to represent moonlight when we’ll be doing the thing indoors. This is vital, because the story says Pyramus and Thisby meet by moonlight. The other is there needs to be a wall. Obviously we can’t drag a wall into Theseus’s mansion if we want to keep our kneecaps, so somebody will have to
be
Wall.’ He sighed. ‘One of us will probably have to be Moonshine as well, so we’d better get it sorted. Snout, you can double as Pyramus’s father and Wall. Starveling will have to do Thisby’s mother and Moonshine. All right, Pyramus, it’s you to begin.’
    As Bottom opened his mouth to speak, Puck arrived on the scene.
    â€˜Hey up!’ exclaimed the elf. ‘Who’re
these
wurzels, so close to Titania’s bed?’ He was invisible to mortals, so he stayed to eavesdrop. ‘Ah!’ he breathed as Bottom delivered the opening line. ‘It’s a
play
. I’ll be the audience.’ He grinned. ‘I might even
do
something, if I get the chance.’
    His chance wasn’t long in coming. Bottom had to exit stage and then re-enter. While the actor waited behind the hawthorn bush, Puck cast a spell, which gave him the head of an ass. There was no mirror, so Bottom couldn’t see his ghastly transformation. He re-entered, ready to continue.
    Quince took one look and screamed, ‘Look out – aliens have taken him over. Run! Run for your lives!’ The students fled into the trees, leaving poor Bottom with Puck. He couldn’t see the elf, so thought he was alone. ‘What’s up with them?’ he cried aloud. ‘It’s a trick –they’re trying to make me scared.’
    Snout came back. He stared at his friend, aghast. ‘I d-d-don’t understand, Bottom,’ he stammered. ‘Who’s done this to you?’
    He ran off again and Quince reappeared.
    â€˜Lord help you, Bottom, you haven’t half changed.’ Then he too fled.
    Bottom yelled after them. ‘
I
know what you’re up to. You’re trying to make an ass of me, aren’t you? Well, it isn’t going to work.’
I’ll stay here
, he told himself.
I’ll stroll around and sing. I’ll show ’em they can’t scare me
.
    He started to sing:
    â€˜Love, love changes everything,
    Da da daa-da, daa daa dee…’
    At the sound of his voice, Titania woke with a start. ‘What – what angel wakes me from my flowery bed?’ she cried.
    Bottom, who couldn’t see her, sang on:
    â€˜Doo, doo doo doo dum-di-dum,
    Doo di dah dah, doo di dung…’
    Enraptured, the fairy queen begged thesinger not to stop. ‘Sing it