matter. “I met Benny. The guy with the blue hair.”
“He’s a nice boy, isn’t he? I just hired him. He’s taking over Rand’s morning shifts a couple days a week. He’s very friendly. Great with customers.”
“Good. I’m glad you found more help. You should probably cut back on your hours.”
“I will for the rest of the week. Did he tell you he works for his family at Johnny’s? It’s an Italian restaurant in Greenwich and….”
“Mmm-hmm.” I tuned Dad out as I moved toward the curtain, hoping to find a nurse, or better yet, a doctor to speed this process along. No such luck.
I turned back to my father and stopped in my tracks. His expression was a little mischievous and— Uh-oh. I knew that smile. Not good. “What are you up to?”
Dad chuckled. “Nothing at all, but— Do you think you can take an hour out of your busy schedule to bring me by the store later this week? Maybe Thursday?”
“Why Thursday?”
“It’s as good a day as any. I shouldn’t get on the train in my condition, and I can’t dri—”
“Your condition? You’re going to be fine, Dad.”
He shrugged nonchalantly and made a sweeping gesture at the hospital bed he was perched on. “We’ll see.”
“Rest is what you need. Don’t worry so much.”
“You’re right. But I should see how Benjamin is doing. Did I tell you I’ve known him for years? He came by the store when he was a student at NYU. He’s good-looking. Don’t you think?”
“In spite of the hair… yeah.”
“He’s funny too. Benjamin has a great sense of humor.”
“I’m sure he does.”
“He’s single and—”
“Pops, he’s a good guy. I get it. But wherever you’re going with this… stop. He’s not my type. At all. Come on! Even you can tell we’d never get through a dinner without it being extremely awkward.”
“Why not?”
“He’s too… gay.”
“What does that mean? You’re gay too.”
I rolled my eyes. “Right. But I’m not that gay.”
“Are there degrees in gayness? You should tell me these things. I’m your father. I should know.”
“No, you shouldn’t! Some things are better left a mystery. As in anything to do with my personal life! A mystery. Got it?”
“No. Explain yourself. What do you mean by ‘ that gay’?”
“He’s too swishy. Nice guy, but not for me. Okay?”
“I don’t see why not. It’s what’s inside that matters, Ezekiel. Don’t put up walls to hide the sunshine.”
I stalked back to the curtain and rolled my eyes again before turning back to face the infuriating, kindly old man propped in the hospital bed. “Look, Pops, I don’t want to get into it with you. Neither of us needs the elevated blood pressure, but I want to remind you…. Benny is exactly the kind of gay man you didn’t want me to be. I recall your words verbatim. ‘It’s bad enough you have to be a pansy, but please don’t act like one.’ Remember saying that? I do. I remember it well. Can we drop this now?”
Dad shook his head sadly. “I was wrong. I apologize. I only want you to be happy.”
“I’m happy,” I snapped in a hushed tone, willing him to stop.
“You’re not. You work too much. You stay out too late. If your mother could, she’d tell you—”
“She can’t!”
My voice was low, but the fury behind those two words felt like a cannon had gone off behind the blue curtains unexpectedly. The subsequent quiet was not the soothing kind. It was filled with pain and unspeakable sorrow. A hollow, lifeless absence of sound that echoed around us uncomfortably. I was instantly ashamed. No one missed my mother like Dad. She had been his world. His glue. His fucking everything. The fact he managed to get by as well as he had without her was a miracle my brothers and I marveled over every damn day. Miri Gulden had been our champion. The one person who’d understood us individually and helped us navigate one another’s idiosyncrasies. Without her, we simply weren’t the same.
“No.
“He’s a nice boy, isn’t he? I just hired him. He’s taking over Rand’s morning shifts a couple days a week. He’s very friendly. Great with customers.”
“Good. I’m glad you found more help. You should probably cut back on your hours.”
“I will for the rest of the week. Did he tell you he works for his family at Johnny’s? It’s an Italian restaurant in Greenwich and….”
“Mmm-hmm.” I tuned Dad out as I moved toward the curtain, hoping to find a nurse, or better yet, a doctor to speed this process along. No such luck.
I turned back to my father and stopped in my tracks. His expression was a little mischievous and— Uh-oh. I knew that smile. Not good. “What are you up to?”
Dad chuckled. “Nothing at all, but— Do you think you can take an hour out of your busy schedule to bring me by the store later this week? Maybe Thursday?”
“Why Thursday?”
“It’s as good a day as any. I shouldn’t get on the train in my condition, and I can’t dri—”
“Your condition? You’re going to be fine, Dad.”
He shrugged nonchalantly and made a sweeping gesture at the hospital bed he was perched on. “We’ll see.”
“Rest is what you need. Don’t worry so much.”
“You’re right. But I should see how Benjamin is doing. Did I tell you I’ve known him for years? He came by the store when he was a student at NYU. He’s good-looking. Don’t you think?”
“In spite of the hair… yeah.”
“He’s funny too. Benjamin has a great sense of humor.”
“I’m sure he does.”
“He’s single and—”
“Pops, he’s a good guy. I get it. But wherever you’re going with this… stop. He’s not my type. At all. Come on! Even you can tell we’d never get through a dinner without it being extremely awkward.”
“Why not?”
“He’s too… gay.”
“What does that mean? You’re gay too.”
I rolled my eyes. “Right. But I’m not that gay.”
“Are there degrees in gayness? You should tell me these things. I’m your father. I should know.”
“No, you shouldn’t! Some things are better left a mystery. As in anything to do with my personal life! A mystery. Got it?”
“No. Explain yourself. What do you mean by ‘ that gay’?”
“He’s too swishy. Nice guy, but not for me. Okay?”
“I don’t see why not. It’s what’s inside that matters, Ezekiel. Don’t put up walls to hide the sunshine.”
I stalked back to the curtain and rolled my eyes again before turning back to face the infuriating, kindly old man propped in the hospital bed. “Look, Pops, I don’t want to get into it with you. Neither of us needs the elevated blood pressure, but I want to remind you…. Benny is exactly the kind of gay man you didn’t want me to be. I recall your words verbatim. ‘It’s bad enough you have to be a pansy, but please don’t act like one.’ Remember saying that? I do. I remember it well. Can we drop this now?”
Dad shook his head sadly. “I was wrong. I apologize. I only want you to be happy.”
“I’m happy,” I snapped in a hushed tone, willing him to stop.
“You’re not. You work too much. You stay out too late. If your mother could, she’d tell you—”
“She can’t!”
My voice was low, but the fury behind those two words felt like a cannon had gone off behind the blue curtains unexpectedly. The subsequent quiet was not the soothing kind. It was filled with pain and unspeakable sorrow. A hollow, lifeless absence of sound that echoed around us uncomfortably. I was instantly ashamed. No one missed my mother like Dad. She had been his world. His glue. His fucking everything. The fact he managed to get by as well as he had without her was a miracle my brothers and I marveled over every damn day. Miri Gulden had been our champion. The one person who’d understood us individually and helped us navigate one another’s idiosyncrasies. Without her, we simply weren’t the same.
“No.