18 Thoughts (My So-Called Afterlife Book 3) Read Free Page B

something. The only substance I inhaled on a regular basis was caffeine. I’d even started eating my Peanut Butter Captain Crunch cereal with black coffee instead of milk for breakfast, willing myself to stay up 24-7 and keep a vigil by Conner’s bedside. Of course, this new habit caused my huge blowout with Mom this morning. She kept telling me to go out with my other friends, that I exhibited unhealthy behaviors. But even though Nicole, Sean, and Kyle, our other friends, loved Conner as much as I did and visited often, they didn’t quite understand what I was going through. I alone dived into the freezing water and tried to save our friend, and I worried every day that I’d failed, that I hadn’t acted quickly enough.
    A slew of swear words rose in my throat, another new habit, fighting to get out every single time Mom yelled at me to “go out and have some fun.” This morning she even mentioned something about making me go to counseling.
    “Like that would help,” I’d told her.
    Usually, I went along with whatever my parents suggested. I wasn’t sure what made me so bold these days. All I knew is that while Conner slept, I became more awake, more desperate to live on the edge.
    Sighing, I swiveled my gaze around the hospital room as I stroked Conner’s hand. New guy had one giant, gray suitcase shoved in the corner. Temptation to rummage through his belongings overwhelmed me. I knew I should resist the urge. Thanks to Mom’s discipline, I conquered willpower a long time ago. But the need to find out more about him made me tiptoe across the scuffed linoleum. I glanced over at the door, considering a nurse or Conner’s parents or worst of all, Nate, interrupting my spy work. The fear almost sent me back to my chair, but tired of being scared all the time, I hefted Nate’s suitcase in from of me and quickly unzipped it.
    Nothing particular should’ve stuck out at me. There were faded jeans, a few pairs of corduroy pants, some pop culture tees, an olive-green hoodie, a blue Michigan sweatshirt, some song books, a watch, a massive pile of CDs, a book on philosophy, and a DVD of
Citizen Kane
. Yet, for whatever reason, there was a flash of recognition at seeing every single one of these items. If I had my doubts about déjà vu before, I certainly couldn’t ignore them now. Like a creep, I picked up his hoodie and inhaled, the scent of vanilla and musk washing over me.
    After putting it back, I zipped up his suitcase, cramming his belongings back into the corner where they belonged. I put my palms to my eyes, agitated at the wetness there, and tried to hold back my tears. I’d had enough to cry about these past two months, and I didn’t even know
why
I cried now. Ashamed, I rushed back to my chair.
    I decided to read to Conner until Nate returned. Finding my bookmarked page, I smiled. I’d just finished reading the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy to him, and Star Wars novels wouldn’t be my first pick for our next read aloud, but Conner obsessed over the franchise. He even nicknamed our group of five friends the Jedi Order. We had done everything together until two months ago, when lightning struck Conner on our first spring sail. The bolt of electricity flung him off our boat, and I jumped into Lake Michigan to save him. The verdict was still out on whether I succeeded or not.
    Just as we were learning about a new Dark Jedi consumed by bitterness and scheming to corrupt Luke Skywalker to the Dark Side, a new urge overtook me.
    I picked up Conner’s hand again. “Look, they say you can hear me. Now that you have this new roommate, there’s something I need to say real quick before he gets back. We came pretty close to dying, and in case that happens again anytime soon, I don’t want to wait to tell you this. It’s kinda a big something that I pictured involving flowers and candles and music, but it’s too late for that. So I’m just gonna spit out the words. I love you. I mean, I’ve always loved